Damn, where’s Bender when you need him?

Some of you may recall a couple months ago when I got propositioned by Whorebot, an automated program trying to give my computer digital AIDS.  Well, just for shenanigans sake, I decided to leave my MSN up and running– just to see if it would try again, after not tracking a single hit.  To my diabolical joy, here’s the transcript of the second attempt by the ol’ robo-hooker to try and slip my laptop the clap without so much as the courtesy of a reach-around.

Behold the amalgamation of fail that probably worked on the stereotypical basement-dweller.

Hot Stuff says
hey baby

Max Entropy says
Jesus christ, you again?

Hot Stuff says
A/S/L?

Max Entropy says
Too young for you/yes please/back seat of a cop car

Hot Stuff says
I’m 23/F/FL

Max Entropy says
Damn, not interested. I only like canadian teddy bears.

Hot Stuff says
Do you like to get naughty?

Max Entropy says
If you mean get chased around by nuns with yardsticks, yeah.

Hot Stuff says
thats me in the picture.. i wanna give u a present on webcam im really wet right now and want to do this quick with u

Max Entropy says
Meh. I’ve seen better. Let’s be honest– if you don’t think you can handle a mexican donkey show, you don’t want to tackle my moneymaker.

Hot Stuff says
k go to http://stilltryingtoportrapeyour.box and youll see me warming up for u…. click “accept invite” on the left and once u join & see me we can start to play

Max Entropy says
Listen, whorebot, this didn’t work last time– don’t you keep a log of people who don’t care about the slutty coed’s barely-passable ass you have for a profile pic?

Hot Stuff says
this is how i pay my bills and i don’t f**k my customers but you are making me change my mind

Max Entropy says
You said that last time. How about you pay my bills, and then I’ll think about it. That’s really not that great of an ass. I mean, even the tramp stamp is halfassed.
You know I’m going to post your shit like last time, right?

Hot Stuff says
lol, read the fine print on that page babe..it says session is only $0.00 if a premium member invites you…I’ve been a premium member there for a long time. Trust me I know how the site works I’m a webcam freaklol..

Max Entropy says
Well, we have some deviation from the usual reply-bot text. Impressive. Your google image searched ass is still flat with a bit of cellulite, and the last time this was REALLY a viable MSN– it belonged to a guy.
You’re a freak alright.
But not interesting enough for me.

Hot Stuff says
don’t break my heart

Max Entropy says
Awwwww, but that’s the only way for me to climax.
You done, whorebot?
whorebot?

 

After this little exchange, where I was completely bombed for no particular reason, I had to put ol’ Whorebot on “invisible” because it wouldn’t leave me alone.  I mean it tried daily, and I got bored of it fast.  It didn’t even change its M.O.  I was thinking about chanting in binary to summon Bender to deal with this diseased digital floozie, but it would seem that several dozen clicks on MSN’s “report suspicious account” button was actually “effective.”

Ok, that was a total lie, so you can stop laughing.

Instead of being tracked via IP, and DDoS’ed into /null… Whorebot reinvented itself.  Instead of taking a semester off and finding a modicum of self-respect, it’s trying a whole different idiot-snagging tactic.  It calls itself “$$ Millionaire $$” because yes– if you can’t catch a dipshit with sex, you can catch them with money.  After all, if someone’s sitting at their computer and is dumb enough to fall for one of these– they’re just destined to make boatloads of money.  Right?

Open it up! Maybe you'll find boobs. Or Money. Or both? Could it be true?! Really?! Die in a fire.

Seriously people, I’ve said it before– and I’ll say it again.  Free boobs are on porn sites, free money is called welfare, and clicking on anything offering either is sheer stupidity.  Maybe I should come out of stealth mode one of these nights and see what our precious little algorithm has to say now.

It’s not like reporting a compromised account is going to do anything.  After all, how can I expect Micro$oft to investigate Whorebot?  For every one they actually snub, another five crop up thanks to the “user-friendliness” of the internet.  I believe I already handled that tidy bit of social commentary in the last installment.  Check please.

Unplug.

Wait… what?

So I’m cleaning out my old hotmail account, minding my own business, and of course– Microsoft’s invasive chat program invoked itself like an awkward case of spontaneous wood.  This isn’t anything new, but today had a little bit of something different.   Before I start going off half-cocked here (oh, my wordplay has already begun), I’m just going to cut-n-paste the full text– editing out the link, because the link was a dead giveaway for a trojan horse.  How do I know?  I’m not a freaking moron, that’s how.

This is such an clear cut case of digital dickery, of course I was trying to test the limits of the program that was trying to net-rape my laptop.  This, right here, is an example of why computers shouldn’t ever be user friendly.  Why?  Because if computers (and the internet) were as relatively intimidating to use as they were in– say– 1992– this kind of shit wouldn’t be cost-effective.  Once again, idiots have made my life worse, by making it profitable for some assjack script kiddie to generically attempt to entice me with boner bait.  Thank you, I already have a whole load of known-to-be-clean adult sites committed to my mental spank bank.  Without further adieu, read this:

Hot Stuff

on cam http://iwannagiveyourcomputerherpes.now

Hot Stuff says:

I got you now !lol was up

Max Entropy says:

wait, what?

Hot Stuff says:

don’t take this the wrong way but can i tell you a secret, it has to do with you…

Max Entropy says:

*shifty eyes*

I have the distinct feeling that I’m not talking to who I think I am.

Hot Stuff says:

are you sure?

okay.. i love u, well not really, its more like a crush and ive never even met you, ive never felt this way about anyone before its embarrassing

Max Entropy says:

That’s pretty funny, seeing how the last time we talked— several YEARS ago– you were a guy.

Hot Stuff says:

thats me in the picture.. i wanna give u a present on webcam im really wet right now and want to do this quick with u

Max Entropy says:

*facepalm* gotta love generated responses. if this is you, where did we digitally “meet”

Hot Stuff says:

in my bedroom

Max Entropy says:

Answer the question.

Hot Stuff says:

k go to http://dumbpeopleclickthis.ly and youll see me warming up for u…. click “accept invite” on the left and once u join & see me we can start to play

Max Entropy says:

Nope.

Hot Stuff says:

this is how i pay my bills and i don’t f*** my customers but you are making me change my mind

Max Entropy says:

About paying your bills by hacking other peoples’ inactive MSN accounts? I’m glad I could be of service.

Hot Stuff says:

don’t break my heart

Max Entropy says:

You’re an OCR-generated response program with a trojan horse link. I didn’t think those came standard issue with a heart.

*knock knock*

That was too easy.

You see, another dead give-away was that this email (and MSN account) was made for an online game that I haven’t played in a long time.  The tag name is, of course, my character– as well as the name of my favorite fictive creation.  Maxie’s my drinking altered ego, on top of all of this.  So, being aware that this was surely not the person that originally owned the MSN, I figured, hey— what the Hell, I’m bored, it’s time to troll.  I also rarely use this MSN except to catch a few players that I befriended years before, but being snagged out of the blue by a naked camwhore in a shower– well that was a treat for today.  More on that after the rant.

SPAM!!!!

Email spam was bad enough, but we all learned how to deal with it.  Of course, on these fine intarwebs, everywhere you look– there’s a way to end up with an email box full of spam.  We’ve all dealt with the 419 Scammers in our own way, usually by dumping them from the junk folder into terminal oblivion.  But wait, thanks to the prevalence of idiots with technology, we even get junk text messages.  If one of our “friends” is blatantly stupid enough to click the wrong link on Facebook– or anywhere else for that matter– their zombified account will spam the crap out of you with things that are so comically uncharacteristic, it’s easy to filter out for anyone with a freaking brain (I’ll get to that in a second).   Automated inundation knows no shame, to the point where I even get spam comments that luckily the folks at Akismet are adept at stopping.  Now I’m having conversations with a spam bot, only to find that its intelligence is about a flea’s nuts above pond scum.  The real killer is that people keep falling for it.

Here’s a newsflash for you slow kids out there who haven’t yet figured it out– and damn are there a lot of you out there.  You will not see what that father did when he walked in on his daughter on her webcam.  You will not see some girl’s epic boobs pop out of her top on a roller coaster.  You will not see some ghost appear in the background of a video.  You will not get free nudes from a link on a site that explicitly prohibits adult material.  You will not be able to click and win a freaking iPad, LED TV, PS3, or computer.  Don’t sign up for free smilies, you dipshit.  All you will do is slip your computer roofies, and drop it off by the local prison to get sodomized– and not to mention, give these assjacks reason to continue spamming the rest of us normal people.

If you really can’t resist these idiot traps, please let me direct your index finger (Hell, all of them, please) to the nearest blender.  I’ll be happy to click that button for you.

If that doesn't stop you from clicking on stupid shit, may I please direct you towards a syringe loaded with drain cleaner? Thanks for your cooperation, idiot.

Now, back to the camwhore treat–  I knew that the original owner of the account was a guy.  I hopped on MSN, and dropped a line to a friend of mine… we’ll call him “Lars.”  He had the genius idea to ask the bot if it wanted to see my 18″ moneymaker.  Since the bot will no longer speak to me– I left the project up to him.  Keep your eyes peeled in the comment section to see if he ever gets me the full text of that conversation (knowing him, it promises to be diabolical).

Seriously, people, I know it’s socially acceptable now to be as dumb as a box of hair– but do the rest of the world a favor.  Stay off the internet.  Stay away from technology.  Do not, under any circumstances, reproduce.

We’ll beat these spamming bastards yet– by choking out their ability to scam money.  All we need to do is make digital technology too complex for the average dipshit.  It’s just too bad that reproduction is as simple as “Insert Tab A into Slot B,” otherwise a whole shitload of world problems would just solve themselves.

In other news, I’m coming down with a cold– and inexplicably have shat nearly five pounds in about four hours.  Savor that.

Unplug.