Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

So it’s been over a year since I’ve been on the blog, but hey– whatever.

I saw something last night that didn’t just set dominoes falling in my head, it rage-flipped the table and hit me with a chair.  Concussive realization aside, it all comes down to one thing: World War Fucking Three.

tumblr_m26nvnNG5o1qkk10ro1_500

…and then it all went dark.

Yes, this sounds a bit tinfoil hat at first, but stay with me.  A couple weeks ago, I stumbled across an article online that floored me.  Giovanni Gambino, yes one of those Gambinos, told NBC that “the rise of global terrorism gives the Mafia a chance to show its good side. … We make sure our friends and families are protected from extremists and terrorists, especially … the Islamic State.”

Well, historically speaking, the Mafia was supposed to protect their own from the abuses of others– among other things.   Hearing the son of the Teflon Don making a bold comment like that on a mainstream media source gave me a huge grin.  Yes, every last one of my great grandparents came from Italy, and no— I actually have no clue how to get in with La Cosa Nostra.  I know, I’m disappointed too.

Looking at it from the outside, a famously criminal organization is better suited to tackling another such organization.  Naturally, thanks to my heritage, I grinned and drank my wine thinking about how profound his commentary was.  Guy’s smart, and his points were valid.  There are certain kinds of things that no amount of surveillance can unearth.  You need to know how to look, and know people who know people.

nose_tap

Makes sense, right?

Yesterday, I came across a series of articles where El Chapo (the head of the notorious Sinaloa Cartel) had some choice words for Abu Bakr Al Baghdadi– and although they ended up being false… well here’s the thing: pit a ruthless cartel that gives fewer fucks about collateral damage than China (a nation ISIS has also managed to piss off) against a ragtag group of fanatical assholes… and well… I’m not the only one who would be positively throbbing to watch it go down.

Why?  Because fuck yeah, these guys play by the same lack of rules– which boil down to one premise.

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— and everything you hold dear.  Really anything around your general vicinity.

That kind of no-Geneva Conventions firefight would be precisely what it would take to eradicate ISIS.  Right?  Right?

That’s when it dawned on me.  This is how World War 3 kicks off.

Think about it this way.

  • ISIS has pissed off pretty much all of Western civilization (I’m including Russia in this lump sum).
  • ISIS has also pissed off China.  Big Red doesn’t come into this equation just yet.
  • ISIS has pissed off La Cosa Nostra.  The days of Capone may be long gone, but if you think the Mafia is out of cement overshoes– you’re just dumb.
  • If ISIS fucks with the Sinaloa Cartel’s operations, or even has the ability to compete, I’m pretty sure El Chapo will react as the now-debunked reports depicted.
  • ISIS lacks popular/global Muslim support because fuck those guys, they don’t speak for Islam.  They look at those Daeshbags the same way Christians look at the Westboro Baptist Church.  (Yes, I realize WBC doesn’t kill people, but they’re still sanctimonious fuckpiles of shit stew that would have served the world better as a stain on their parents’ mattress.)  In fact, ISIS kills more Muslims than anybody else.  Then again, considering their “home turf,” this should pose no surprise.

Now you’re saying, “Yeah, we get it, fuck those guys in particular. What’s the point?”

get_on_with_it.png

With the exception of Big Red, class, what religion is generally associated with the aforementioned nations/organizations?  If you said Christianity, you’ve just found the lynch pin I was going for.  Let’s say Daesh does piss off El Chapo… and the Sinaloa Cartel decides to hatefuck them with a steel pineapple.  The day Santa Muerte starts soaking sand with blood, the terrorists will make it out to be a Christian vs Muslim thing.

Ponder this for a few hours.

The common attitude towards this particular cadre of assjacks is pretty well known.  Let’s play a probable hypothetical situation here.  If a cartel decides to take a plane full of whoop ass overseas, it will take a token bribe at best to have law enforcement look the other way.  Why?  Because everyone is saying, “Fuck those guys in particular.”  See a pattern yet?  Good.

These guys have fewer fucks to give about a little thing called “collateral damage” than Big Red.  You get a war party of contract killers together, and now send them on a no-holds-barred fragfest somewhere far from home.  How many are going to know how to speak any of the languages over there?  If you answered “probably none,” you already see where this is going.  They’re not going to try and root out those Daeshbags with any sort of delicacy.  Nope.  They’re going to fight every bit as dirty as those Daeshbags– which is appallingly thrilling on a visceral level.  Because fuck those guys right?  Except this kind of insurrection is exactly what they want.

Those bastards are going to call it another fucking crusade… and they’re going to call for a plausible jihad that many otherwise-peaceful people will blindly follow.  Think about how many players are in town right now.  Big Red and Russia have oil interests, with Russia spanking the shit out of both rebels and Daeshbags.  Oh wait, Turkey just shot down a Russian jet, and apparently they’re on the same side as us– whatever the fuck that is. Pretty much anyone with a bomber is hammering Syria with anything they can get their hands on.  It’s already a fucking war zone, and everyone’s already scared, pissed off, or both.

All of the rules of engagement would go sideways at that point, because when you live in a shitty, bombed-out country… your life flat out sucks in ways neither you or I can comprehend.  Suddenly assholes from across the Atlantic show up, and prove that those crazy “fundamentalist” assholes that were killing your neighbors were right all along.  Boom.  You have a front that will rapidly rise, and will see both the whoop-ass squad and the foreign militaries in the same light: as crusaders.  You have to protect your own, right?

This is how war starts.  I’m not talking the kind of war that has been fought over the past 70 years.  That’s timid compared to what would happen… battlefields on a scale not seen since WW2.  Not to mention, a totality not seen since… oh… the last of The Crusades.  By the way, the F-35 can’t dogfight or much of anything else.

we-are-fucked

Tell me I’m wrong.  No, seriously, with the cards already on the table– and knowing what complete assholes people generally are these days…  It doesn’t take very much of a stretch of imagination to see how this could all get much, much uglier.

Right now, I am glad that I’m too old to draft… the The Force Awakens in less than a week.  Time’s on my side for this one…

Unplug.

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Bigotry: The New Profanity

Posted: August 26, 2014 in Rant
Tags: , , ,

“What I’m saying might be profane, but it’s also profound.”
Richard Pryor

I am no stranger to cursing.  In fact, my command of the colloquial stops just short of iconic.  Sure, I can fuckin’ censor myself on the fly– but when it comes down to brass tacks…  Even I have a line.  There’s a line where my words will inevitably stop being weapons of psychological terrorism (like the time someone foolishly invited me to be on the dais for a roast) and become a means of social suicide.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to fucking figure out the point where the magnificent bastard would become the muttonfucking bigot.

… and no, fuck you, this isn’t going to be a plea to drop a gratuitous n-bomb.  Pay attention, I’m about to blow your fucking mind to the back of the auditorium without so much as a whisper.

Bob Dobbs didn't brace himself properly.

Oh yeah. Breaking out the Subgenius reference.

Back when our grandparents were kids, people were seriously up tight.  Trust me, that’s part of why their slang was so goddamn eclectically creative.   Sure, you could make like Prodigy and smack your bitch up (and still be considered an upstanding citizen), but the kinds of words termed “vulgar” by modern standards would turn you into a social pariah.  Yeah, back in the day, being able to swear like a sailor wasn’t a matter of vernacular nor comedy– it was a quick way to get everyone you know to disown you.

Wanna get some strange looks?  Don’t yell “fuck!” in a crowded store.  Try quoting SLC Punk! and yell “Union Jack is a fag!”  See how fast people start getting that uneasy look.  Actually, try that, I want to know how many people high-five you for the reference.  Anyway.

The very definitions of profanity and obscenity include the fact that such language will reflect poorly upon the user. Now tell me… which individual is going to be looked at in a harsher light: the guy in the middle of a crowded mall screaming, “Fuck off and die, you shit-eating cock waffle,” or the same guy dropping an n-bomb with the same imagined animation?

You see where I’m going with this.

Fuck yeah.

That’s right, I just 720 cockslapped it like a linguistics major would…. Take THAT, Eng 502!

“Classic” profanity has wormed its way into the common lexicon as pervasively and effectively as steroids in sports.  The acronym WTF is common on the news, and don’t try to claim that we all don’t know what it means.  I can say “fuck” pretty much anywhere, and nobody will bat a goddamn eye.  I can say “shit” with even more gusto.  Damn and ass?  Bitch, don’t make me laugh.  Sure, the language still serves the purpose of lalochesia—but if that’s it, does it still fit the classification?

I maintain not.

However, there’s a kind of language that is ill-defined and constantly growing—and that’s the vulgar tongue of the bigot.  I’m not going to skip around dropping N-bombs just to retain my shock factor, nor am I going to toss about any other slew of slurs—because fuck you, I have class.  Right here, ladies and gentlemen, is the very illustration of what I’ve been going for.  Am I going to argue about times where this type of language is appropriate?  Fuck no, I’m not completely retarded—that’s a pile of shit for someone else to shovel.

Not to mention, this nebulous stretch of vernacular varies from region to region—culture to culture—and is starting to include homophobic slurs as well.  If you think I’m wrong, ask fucking Jonah Hill—whose tirade (though pretty tame compared to the shit people say during fits of road rage) got him lit up like Times Square.  Not to mention, what language is most used behind the semi-anonymous veil of online gaming?  If you answered basic vulgarity, you’ve clearly not had the joy of hearing a tween rattle off ill-formulated barrages of bigotry.  I chose the term joy not entirely out of sarcasm—because it’s pretty fucking hilarious to hear.

Take note—the language, she’s a-changing.

And I still want to be the first seated President to say “fuck” on the Senate & House floors.

Unplug.

Depressurizing the Noggin

Posted: August 24, 2014 in Rant
Tags: , , ,

Well, half of my skull has business as usual– no issues no nothing.  The other half feels like I got cracked upside the head with Mr. Chin-Up-Bar.  I’ve hit this bastard with sinus meds, migraine meds, and comfort food.  Unfortunately, I can’t shake that bullet loose that’s keeping the cracks open– so let’s depressurize the whole thing with my favorite past time: venting!

Buckle up, this might get brutal.

HERE WE GO, BITCHES!

… and you all know I’m a mean motherfucker when I’ve got a headache.

Should I do a bullet list?  Yeah, why not, it’s not like I can be paid to give a rat’s ass right about now.  I’d bite the face off the Incredible Hulk if he made this headache worse.  I’d probably get utterly Loki-ed afterward, but after getting my head smashed– at least the headache would be gone.

  • If people spent as much time improving themselves as they do bitching about [insert popular -ism complaint here], maybe they’d make some actual fucking headway with life instead of sounding like a crybaby asshole.  Seriously, fecklessly trumpeted rhetoric is as useless as a dick on an air conditioner– and everyone is tired of hearing it.
  • This is the 21st fucking century; there are free literacy programs everywhere.  If you can’t read, you aren’t trying to learn.  If you aren’t trying to learn, go buy a Robin Williams Necktie and quit wasting space for everyone else.
  • I don’t believe that human life has intrinsic value.  I have an unhealthy contempt for humanity until I actually meet them face to face, and they prove they aren’t like the rest.  This may only take an initial “hello,” but without that differentiating moment– you can go skydiving without a parachute for all I care.  The only attention you’ll get from me is watching the splat video– after all, there are billions left to replace you.
  • There’s no difference between extreme-left libtards and extreme-right teabaggers…. except teabagging is fucking hilarious, so their “derisive” nickname is better.
  • Acceptance of willing/deliberate stupidity is the downfall of society.  Hooray for “no child left behind,” huh?
  • We need to legalize sword dueling.  Think about how much of the douchebag population would be dead inside of a week.  Not to mention– I’d rack up an impressive body count, and my stress levels would go through the floor.
  • People will not develop ambition when failure is rewarded.  Anyone who says otherwise is either incredibly stupid or mentally ill.  Nobody will try when they don’t have to.
  • Dudes should shut the fuck up about women’s reproductive issues.  Unless you’ve got a vag– the only opinion you have is the flavor you like best.
  • If the US Government spent half as much time and money on the American people as it does swinging its collective dick around the globe, social problems would actually be dealt with.  They aren’t because social problems are what keep the system moving.
  • Animal testing is obsolete– we have a lot of pedos and other violent sex offenders who should be experimented on instead.  At least that way we can get shit to the open market faster since we will know what the shit does to people from moment one.
Yeah.  Yeah I did.

On the upside, my headache’s all but gone.

Now… I feel a little better.  Depressurization goes a long way, right?

Unplug.

This. Means. War.

Posted: July 27, 2014 in Rant
Tags: , , , , ,

*ahem*  Let’s see how good my faux German accent is today.  Buckle up.  *snicker*

…before we begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around ze fleet.

Some of you have come to believe zhat I.  Like.  War.
I vish to dash these rumors.  I do not like war.
I.  Love.  War.

Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war.  You get up in ze morning.  You get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO who works half as hard as you do drive down the street in his Porsche.

Class war!

Zen you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vhat’s right und vhat’s wrong–

Flame war!”

— The Major, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged (Episode 4… definitely NSFW…  Check out Takahata101 on YouTube)

Ah, now that feels better.  The whole speech truly encompasses the goddamn euphoric feeling I get when I am gloriously justified in loosing my wrath.  I never once anticipated that my current Bitcoin obsession would eventually result in me picking a fight with the powers that be in Albany, NY.

Those of you that live in The Empire State are already facepalming, realizing that I am voluntarily preparing to stick my size 11 boot in the biggest pile of sycophants and fail found outside of The Federal Beltway.  Why would I take on such an implacable edifice of feckless bureaucracy?  Well, let me cut to the chase– they’re poised to shit in my Wheaties.  In short, fuck that noise.

GET SOME.

Bet you were expecting Alucard to show up here. You were mistaken.

I will not sit idly by and let some six-figure-pulling jackass destroy my opportunity to make a decent living using my own ambitions and abilities.  Sooooo, here’s where things are about to get interesting.  Why, you ask?  Well, it comes back to war.  Waltzing into a fight without allies is more stupid than a bunch of technophobe Baby Boomers trying to regulate a global cryptocurrency.  It’s bad enough that Wall Street is under their jurisdiction– and wouldn’t you know?  They failed at regulating that so hard, it hatefucked the USA into another recession.

I’m not letting them screw my ambitions just because they’re idiots.  Luckily for me, there’s a state assemblyman who has his head screwed on straight…. and I happened to have met the man a few weeks ago in person.  The following is a verbatim copy of the letter that I’m sending to his office via certified mail tomorrow to fire my opening volley.

Have a read:

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have opted for such an informal salutation, however after meeting you while I was working at the [redacted]—you told me this is how you prefer to be addressed. I am writing you to express my concern and disdain for NYDFS’s proposed regulation/licensing of Bitcoin-based financial ventures. As you once said, NYS has a disturbing habit of squashing ambition and incentivizing failure—and I believe the proposed actions of NYDFS to be yet another sign of your observation. They claim that this is to strike a balance between protecting consumers and setting common sense rules—but the proposal is precisely the opposite in every way. No private individual or business entity can or will be affected by Bitcoin that does not choose to deal with it. Furthermore, virtual currencies like Bitcoin are of no danger to the public—contrary to this reactionary proposal. Truth be told, it’s plainly obvious they consider Bitcoin to be a criminal endeavor only—and they wish to destroy opportunities for residents who aren’t among the financial elite.

Firstly, as you plainly know—economic and employment opportunities in Western New York are pitiful if put politely. This proposed burdensome set of licensure and data-collecting measures reflects two things about NYDFS—and namely Superintendent Benjamin Laswky. One, they have no grasp of what they are trying to regulate. Two, they do not care if innovation and businesses continue to flee from New York State like first class passengers from the Titanic. Their myopic and alarmist set of measures betray their lack of understanding for what Bitcoin is (how it works, how it’s produced, and how it’s used)—and demonstrates deliberate ignorance of the IRS’s ruling that Bitcoin is a commodity and not a currency.

According to the IRS’s decision, virtual currencies like Bitcoin are to be treated in the same manner as birdhouses produced in one’s garage.  Similarly, individuals like myself who have the technical knowhow to set up a Bitcoin “mine” have the opportunity to lift themselves from the current economic climate—and potentially return more to our respective communities than if we were stuck in the traditional job market. With their current proposal, any small mines like mine (in my case uniquely benefitting from the inexpensive electric service by the Jamestown BPU) would be driven out of business– or out of New York State. This is an economic boon that NYDFS will deny enterprising individuals, and exclude from the state’s taxable revenue.

It is very obvious that this proposed direction is an alarmist and reactionary move in response to articles on MSN, Yahoo (et al) that demonstrate that Bitcoin may be used for money laundering purposes.  In the case of Bitcoin mines (the production side of the equation, where specialized computer hardware generates Bitcoin for sale/usage), that is impossible. I am not surprised by the myopic response by the NYDFS—it is on par with individuals who lack the technical abilities to handle the simplest of tasks like setting up their own email client. These cumbersomely stringent (and presumably expensive) licensing and documentation procedures reflect their erroneous understanding of virtual currency, from production to purchase/sale.   If Mr. Lawsky has his way and this proposal becomes law, the only individuals with the resources and capital capable of accommodating the regulations/licensing will be large businesses. There will be no room for forward-thinking individuals to better their circumstances through their own ability and ambition. So much for the American Dream of creating opportunities from your own hard work and ingenuity, right? I am not surprised by this disregard for the common citizen as the NYDFS members have little first-person experience with the current job market and economic climate. Their six-figure salaries and stock portfolios are already taken care of.

This brings me to my final, and probably most ireful, point. NYDFS has already failed pathetically at regulating Wall Street (which is already under their purview, and has harmed the lives of millions of Americans through their questionable practices.)   After reading their proposal—I have little doubt that these individuals are borderline computer-illiterate, Mr. Lawsky included. If you will pardon the phraseology, they have no business attempting to regulate a technology that they only understand through diluted third-party explanations. I am further disgusted by the fact that public funds were wasted on drawing up this reactionary policy, instead of focusing on aspects of public business and finance that do affect the majority of citizens in NYS and beyond. Instead of focusing on the spate of problems already on their desks that they have shirked and ignored, they have chosen to collect their salaries while demonstrating their clear lack of priorities—and understanding of the digital world.

Andy, my Bitcoin-generating hardware is at a stage where it pays my personal electric bill for my apartment—and part of a credit card payment. Currently, I can net roughly $120 per month, and while that is modest—it is a beginning of my business, one that Mr. Lawsky clearly seeks to squash through ill-conceived overregulation. I have a degree in English composition, and even I lack the words to properly express how much this effort by NYDFS must be publicly and permanently ceased.   I cannot stress enough the immediate need to generate a vocal and decisive opposition to his measures in Albany among the decision-making members of government.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I hope to speak with you in the near future about how to stamp out these measures before they permanently drive more ambitious, youthful, entrepreneurs from New York State.

You feeling that joyous quiver in your loins yet?

And the moral of the story is...

Next step, picking five or six other officials to receive similar letters… and then the media….  I don’t take prisoners.

Never piss off a guy with an English writing degree.

It’s showtime.

Unplug.

Aw dammit…

Posted: May 18, 2014 in Rant, Uncategorized

Sometimes the only peace people can find in their lives comes at the end, whatever way that end may come.  I want you to think about that for a second; quickly tally up the people you know who struggle through what the world throws at them—and as a result of what their own hands have wrought.  Have you run out of fingers yet?

If you haven’t, you are either one privileged (read: sheltered) human being… or some world-class kind of anti-social loner.  I’m talking sociopath grade here.  For the majority of us, we’re one of those fingers being tallied—but hey, isn’t that part of life?  Damn right.

It took me 34 years, but I now personally know someone who lost an ongoing battle with addiction. Sad part is, most of us saw the writing on the wall long ago.  I’m not usually one to eulogize, but I sincerely hope he’s finally found peace.

I worked with Matty at the Olive Garden many years ago.  We’re talking 2005-6ish… He was in my training class, and yeah—back in those days I partied hard.  We all did; we were restaurant staff in a corporately-owned establishment.  It’s a job and a special kind of Hell.  The circle you land in merely depends on the day.  Getting wrecked is kind of the default way to cope with the endless parade of thankless assjacks that make up the brunt of the clientele.

By the way, they would all say that I'm totally Naomi.

This is actually not far from the truth, some nights.

Matty took it to a whole new level, and apparently it was only the beginning.  Mom always told me to be wary of people stranger than me… and my corollary to that rule is to keep some distance from people who can party in ways that make me look like I’m still playing pin the tail on the donkey.  Seeing how I don’t deal well with death in general, I guess I’m thankful that we did lose touch (outside of Facebook) over the past few years.

Matty was a nice guy.  He was funny.  He had an almost intuitive way of brightening your mood even if you didn’t tell anyone you were having a shitty day.  He had a mischievous wit, and a delightfully catty way of putting things.  When people think of an addict, Matty’s definitely not the kind of guy who comes to mind.  That’s not saying he didn’t have his faults, but I think those were more from what he was doing than who he was.  It’s sad, really, because we all knew he had problems.   In fact, when I got the first text message cluing me in— my response was (verbatim) “Suicide or overdose?”

It sounds like a callous response, but most of the people who knew him would find that to be a perfectly justifiable question.  That, right there, speaks volumes.  It’s sad situation all the way around, because Matty was a pretty nice guy—and not without friends.  He had friends who care about him, were willing and wanting to be there to help.  He knew it too.  Yet when it came down to it, my friend was alone at the end.  Addiction destroys everything.  It’s just too bad.  There’s really no other way to put it.

Ladies ‘n’ gents, seriously, if you truly have a problem, an addiction, a compulsion, whatever you want to call it…  don’t try to win at drugs all by yourself.  It’s not just a matter of “the more the merrier,” nor “more for me”– if you don’t have teammates to cart your ass off the field when something goes horribly wrong, you won’t be the one to suffer for it… everyone else will.  And if you can’t find teammates to join you— take the hint that something’s gotta change.  Everyone you know will appreciate it.

Matt, I hope you’ve finally found the peace that you couldn’t seem to find in life.

Unplug.

Anyone who’s paid any attention to anything about me knows that although I’m a serious fan of doing dumb shit, I’m allergic to stupid.  I’m talking full-blown anaphylaxis– which is probably a good thing because my lack of breathing prevents me from breaking out in handcuffs.  This is especially true since I work with the general public six days a week, and believe you me– I should probably be lacing my coffee with antihistamines.

Naught to be seen.

Dumbasses don’t seem to understand… Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised.

I am not a patient individual.  I can fake such qualities that might make me seem almost saintly.  Seriously, have I gone full Postal yet?  No.  Calling Pope Franny– next saint.  Over here.  My head hasn’t exploded yet– another miracle right there.

Example:  how many people can’t comprehend a simple task like addressing/stamping an envelope?  When did this become quantum mechanics?  A girl, probably 13 or 14, came into my office with a large envelope.  There was no address written on it, two random stamps slapped in the wrong corner, and wanted me to send it out.  At first I was confused– seriously, was this shit really happening?  While I’m too sober to appreciate it?  Mind filled with “no fuckin’ way” pity, I inquired what she wanted to do with this envelope– because people often figure that they can fill out the appropriate label at the counter.  No way could this be happening, right?

Wrong.  It was happening like a case of diarrhea on the first hill of a roller coaster– this fine example of what I deal with on a daily basis just fractured reality for me.  I told her to put the address on the front, I’d slap the postage on it– and away it’d go.  You know, give her the benefit of the doubt.  Now, if you’re the kind of asshole that just thought “I’ll bet she couldn’t even fill out the address,” I love you.  Guess what.  The little jiggling wad of fail before me couldn’t even write out the address right, but I won’t get to the icing on the cake yet.  I noticed that the address is for one of the boxes in my very office– but the envelope is clearly labeled as a Tim Horton’s camp submission.  As expected, the next day it’s delivered to the box she wrote down.

Just wait for it.

In so many ways...

That moment when you realize that the person in front of you is the very personification of irreconcilable fail.

Well yesterday the box holder showed up with the envelope, with several pieces of opaque tape slapped over her writing, addressed to where a Timmy Ho Ho’s camp would be expected… Canada.  That’s right, not only did she have no idea how to send it in the first place– she sent it to herself.  Oh yeah, and according to this cloud of piss in the gene pool– she was sending this in because she was invited back to be a counselor.

Nice try, assjack, I think camp counselors have a basic understanding of how to send a letter.  Well.  You’d hope.  That bit of brain-melting ignorance aside, I saw that same porcine sack of genetic party favors screaming obscenities at one of my elderly neighbors last summer and the summer we moved in.

I am nothing short of astounded that these toxic levels of stupidity haven’t killed me.

When Buddy Christ says you're fucked...

I mean, what else can you do?

Ladies and gentlemen, do the world a service and cockblock/beaverdam your dumber friends.  You know the ones.  Otherwise, life’s gonna go full Idiocracy before I’m old enough to retire.

Fuck you, it’s not on the horizon!

Unplug.

Over the past couple months, I’ve seen a lot of posts giving attention to the picketers demanding over $15 an hour to work at McShitheads.  It’s either that or ridiculously raising the minimum wage.  Political posturing aside, let’s break this down for the dumb kids who think this is a good idea…

Truth hurts, don't it?

Truth to life– there are consequences to your actions, no matter what those asshole Baby Boomers tried to litigate out of reality. (Newsflash– they failed.)

First things first– supply and demand.  If suddenly everyone at Greasy’s was paid over $15 an hour, that would be justification for ridonculous inflation.  Meaning– that $15 bucks an hour is going to buy even less than the “minimum wage” you’re getting today.  Interesting sidebar– most of these jobs pay a buck over minimum wage, and you don’t even need to pee in a cup to get them.

You think that life’s too damn expensive now?  Just wait until there’s a sudden influx of money into the system.  Prices will skyrocket as the money will be devalued– and the corporate fat cats will justify raising them to “stay in business.”  We all know this is a blatant lie, but come on– if you truly don’t think this is going to happen, you’re even dumber than you look.  Case and point?  Just look at the asshole ways these employers have gotten around providing healthcare.  This situation is no different, and don’t delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

This disastrous desire would utterly screw each and every American by opening this flood gate, especially seniors who are on fixed incomes.  Not to mention, that increase would be across the board– rent, groceries, gas, healthcare, everything would go up faster than anyone has seen in this country… ever.

Crank faster, buddy, we need more money!

You probably think this is a solution to all our economic issues.

Was that clear enough to start with?  Let’s move on to another reason that fast food isn’t worth premium pay– do you honestly think that the people who did their time in the grease traps and worked their way into good jobs are going to get a commensurate raise to match yours?

Here’s another revelation– they won’t!  That’s right all my little sacks of soylent green, all that time you spent struggling, studying, working, and achieving will be negated.  In fact, if you have done your time in the grease traps (myself included), you might just find yourself making significantly less than the drive-thru operator that just fucked up your order.  Everything you’ve done with your life to better it has officially been for nothing.

Excuse me, I run a post office alone 6 days a week…  I’m responsible for everything that happens in that building, about $20,000 in inventory, and roughly 1,000 customers worth of delivery.  I have keys to a fucking federal building, and I don’t even make $13 an hour.  Do you mean to tell me that slapping processed ass on a bun is worth more than what I do?  Do you think I’ll get a raise too?

Go fuck yourself with a salt-crusted cactus.  Twice.

Guess what, you fucked up-- and I don't care.

Take that spatula, polish it up real nice, turn that summbitch sideways and cram it straight up your ass!

Here are a few small revelations for you if you support this bastardized assholery.  Fast food joints were meant to be supplementary income, starter jobs, or meant to remove the unemployment curse.  It’s called a stepping stone– and almost everyone I know has been there and done that, myself included.  If you can’t step above that stone, I feel bad for you.  I’m not being facetious here, because it’s a thankless job.

Let’s be honest here, it’s not about the job.   The primary problem is people who are working can’t pay to live.  That’s wrong.  The discussion shouldn’t be about unrealistically raising the wages of Thomasina Taco, Franky Frenchfry, and Bobby Burger– because let’s face it: you shouldn’t get $15.00 an hour to fuck up my drive-thru order.  The discussion should be about how to realistically lower the cost of living.

Then again, welcome to America– where rationally assessing and fixing a problem is apparently a thing of the past.

Unplug.