Posts Tagged ‘booger’

It’s snot funny…

Posted: August 15, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

So, me being MIA from the intarwebs (as invented by Al Gore) means one thing, I’ve taken time to emerge from the basement.  Yes, I have seen the sunlight of day, and remembered a time past where I toiled and played in the sun routinely.  I’m kind of surprised my busted ass didn’t turn to ash when the light hit me.  Little did I know that something less visible, something more insidious, was about to kick my ass.

I’m not sure whether or not it’s one of those cursed “summer cold” bugs, or if my allergies are popping about a month and a half early, but I’ve been rocking a headache and a runny nose for almost three days going.  All things considered, that’s not too bad, but I’ve stumbled across another thing that right-handed lefties like myself have a difficult time doing– blowing our freaking noses.

Oh sure, you use one hand to help a toddler blow their nose, but when it comes down to brass tacks, for some cosmically ambivalent reason, it’s much more awkward for self-service.  I woke up this morning, staggered off to release The Golgothan, thinking that today would be just another day in the life of the gimp.  Instead, I start sniffling whilst deucing.

Yeah, you already know where this is going.  I’ve gone so crazy, I’ve degraded from fap jokes to excretion jokes.  Anyway, back to nasally inhaling essence du Golgothan whilst on the throne.  Inevitably through my gurgling sniffles, I had to sneeze.  I thought only one thing, “Oh shit.”

This kid...

Kid, you wear it so well.

Years of waiter training taught me how to properly stifle even my gargantuan sneezes.  There was one tiny problem, this tenacious bastard really wanted out.  A handful of nasty later, and I’m wiping my face to make sure I don’t end up like the cute li’l twerp up there.  So far so good, right?  Not quite, because my sinuses were still backed up.  So I figured, Hell, may as well try and fix this–  since I was having no luck trying to hork the offending mucous out through the back exit from the inflamed sinuses.

I really wish I hadn’t.  Thanks to the shape of the cast, Zombie Jill has no prayer of touching my face.  At all.  Rosie had this bad idea all to herself.  I ended up wiping goo outta my goatee for five minutes.  All before hopping up off das crappier.  How’d your day start?