Posts Tagged ‘random’

Well, here I am, rapidly approaching the three month mark since I went under the knife.  I expected to do a lot of writing, but instead, life got in the way.  Oh well, these things, they do happen.

I have “accomplished” one thing, and it isn’t much of an actual accomplishment.  I managed to get myself into the Cracked.com Writer’s Forum.  Yeah, I realize it was only a handful of keystrokes.  However, for someone who has a veritable library of work and nowhere to go with it– it’s a bit daunting to make this venture.  That’s right, the right handed lefty can do damn near anything– but gets choked when it comes to actually putting his words to the task.  It’s so cruelly ironic, I can’t stop laughing at myself.  No, all bullshit aside, I’m laughing the hardest out of anyone reading this little revelation.  Duke, at this point, would probably say, “I have balls of fail…”

.... about that.

Ok, ok, enough with these shenanigans...

Firstly, need to get the “save-my-balls statement” out of the way in the eyes of God, all females, and my girlfriend.  Ok, here we go:  I’ve found everything I could ask for in her (all giggity aside), and what I type next in no way has any bearing on that.

I need a muse, besides my usual staples of Hemingway-esque (or Poe-esque, depending on your proof) inspiration.  For example, with this whole Cracked thing– if you’re familiar with their style of article, you know that the vast majority of them are factually based.  This really doesn’t limit me, but it does throw a monkey wrench into the brainstorming process.  I can take an idea and go completely postal with it–

–but therein lies the rub.  I need the damn idea.  I need a muse to flip that switch in my he the one that’s probably rustier than Michael Jordan has to be at basketball right about now.  Yes, that was an intentionally chosen metaphor, because he could still mop the floor with the majority of the planet’s population just off the couch.  With practice, I’m positive his legendary skill would show through.  That’s kind of how I view my… ongoing state of epic writer’s block.  Aside from this digital exercise of keeping my wordplay fresh, I haven’t put any palpable amount of prose down in ages.

So, help me.  You’ve all seen the almost schizophrenic variances in my styles and voices.  Although I have my ways of circumventing creative blocks, having this to work on… this would be just the right flavor of amusing to get me going again.  At one point during my last year of college, I could (and often did) slam out 20 pages in one night.  I need that kind of fluidity again, and for once I’m not referring to the distilled variety.

I've actually been inside this plane.

Yes, I'm ordering this much ordinance on the location of my writer's block. It should feel lucky that I called in conventional stuff, and didn't call for the Enola Gay.

Well, with that said, do any of you have a researchable topic that would potentially fit a Cracked.com article?  I need something that hasn’t been done to death, or at least not done there…  I’ll do all the leg work (although being thrown a bone is appreciated), and I might even consider owing a future muse one of my collection of souls.  Yes, I have three besides my own– but how that came to be is irrelevant at this point.

Either that, or if you’re local, I’ll buy you a couple of drinks with the pithy $50 that they pay for articles.  Any sort of gratuity on my part depends on your geography and ethics (provided I can even work with your suggestion).  It’s not about the money here, seriously…  well ok, it is about the money, but not right now— it’s the initial spark that would get the fires going again.  Anyone got a light for me?

For some reason, my lighter seems to be wet.  Of all things of mine to get wet.  Speaking of, Jill needs some PT and I need a shower.

Unplug.

Ok, WordPress, WTF?!

Posted: October 2, 2011 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , ,

How in the Holy Name of Jesus Heisenberg Christ does my little blog register clicks from a referring engine search for “masturbation at sea”?!  For those of you reading this from active wordpress accounts, you will know what I mean by the “search engine terms” part of the stats page.  For those of you unfamiliar, I can see where hits come from, if the referring link is from a search engine.   One of my biggest referring topics is appropriately “atrophied arm cast.”  Today, I saw a referring link from “masturbation at sea”– with a hit total of two.

Damn skippy.

Who, me? Talk about that? No way... You don't say? Reference heavily in a sarcastic light, of course, but seriously? And up until today, I've never even considered alluding to Jill or Rosie doing work on a boat? How the Hell...?

I’m floored.  Seriously?  Have the machines learned how to interpret comically inspired names for a right (Jill) and left (Rosie) hand?  If they have, you all should be praying for Zombpoc even harder than I am– because when the machines take over, shit will have truly hit numerous fans.  Think about it, up until today, that term has never been put in writing by me… well at least not here.  To refer that term here would have to be inferred.  That’s a subjective call.  Get where I’m going with this, or were my anvil-sized hints bouncing harmlessly off your Neanderthal forehead?

That bit of creepy aside, you know what really bothered me?  Who in the Nine Levels of Hell is searching for “masturbation at sea” anyway?  I mean, the fact that it landed in my square of the ether aside, really?  What is it that confused you, the concept, the mechanics, the ethics?  Seriously, if you’re reading this, and it was you–  I gotta know.  I don’t care if you email me, or leave it as a comment, this is too good to just pass off as a perverted fluke.  Wanna know why?  Whatever search engine led that curious soul here, led it here twice.

You on my level yet?

If your brain doesn't hurt yet, you haven't been paying attention.

I officially have seen everything.

Unplug.