My turn in the pulpit…

Posted: January 16, 2013 in Rant
Tags: , ,

Everyone’s favorite hot button these days is the habitual massacre of innocents in the USA… which has run in streaks since Columbine.  It’s acted as a lightning rod for “gun control,” and just like most politics–  the loudest damn mouthpieces right now are spouting partisan rhetoric from either a far left– or a far right– and frankly?  I’m sick of it, like goddamn political ads during an election year.

So, it’s time to sound off– and some of you might want to take notes, instead of regurgitating the same media-canned horse shit that everyone’s heard over and over again.  You’re proof positive that the Baby Boom generation has utterly and completely failed at life (especially as parents), but that’s another rant entirely.  Buckle the hell up, take off the blinders, and put a thinking cap on.

First things first:  I do not own a gun, because guns are expensive to purchase for a law abiding citizen.  That does not mean, if given the means, I wouldn’t have a few sundry shotties, rifles, etc– because I happen to be a decent shot, and enjoy going to ranges to pop targets.  That also doesn’t mean, if given the means, I wouldn’t immediately go buy a Thompson because it’s a historical piece of badassery that is relevant to Italian-American history— and makes a damn sweet Zombie Sweeper.

Does this mean I’m going to go postal someday and drop a whole shitload of people?  NO.

Does this mean I shouldn’t have to go through proper training and licensing to own such equipment?  Heyyyyy, I think we’re on to something!

Yes, I'm looking right at you, you self-righteous assjack.

Since apparently common sense is now a superpower– prepare yourself.

I believe there should be a dialog about the state of things in America– and the use of regulation when it comes to the more awesome of firearms.  There are, however, two kinds of people turning this into a cesspit of stupid and fail.  The first kind are the ones shouting “they won’t take our guns, 1776 will rise again!” or some shit like that.  First off, shut the hell up, you’re not helping any.  The second kind are the ones saying “Assault weapons only kill people!  Nobody outside the military should own them!  Ban them and less people will die!”  Likewise, stuff a dick in it– you’re just as much of a collection of rhetoric-spouting assbags as the other side.

Extremism, of both sides, is going to guarantee that nobody is going to be happy– and guess what?
Whackjobs are still going to find a way to challenge the high score.

But no, all we are going to hear are the ratings-boosters that come from (you guessed it) the extremes of the argument.  I’m not even going to call it left and right, because dammit– the only people being heard right now are just unrealistically balls-crazy.  Then again, since everyone has access to YouTube– it’s a lot easier to find the extremes.

You know what I’m talking about.

I could put a picture here, but some of you dumber types would get distracted.


Seriously, nobody is going to come and take your guns.
By the same token, just because you don’t like something– doesn’t mean you can legislate it out of existence. 


You kinda want to shoot me right about now, don't you?

It’s called irony. Look it up. Oh yeah, I’m in a Wonka mood.

These things said, I don’t think it’s right that a normal, law-abiding citizen should be penalized or otherwise limited due to the offenses of others.  If I am going to pay for something you did, what’s the point of having laws in the first place?

Call them criminals, call them lunatics, I call them assholes– but their actions are their own.  That doesn’t make them right, but it’s what they are doing.  It seems that people have forgotten a little concept called responsibility.  Point a finger wherever you want, but they did these barbaric acts– nobody else.   Then again, we live in a society where we can drop hot coffee on our laps and sue McDonald’s–  and win.

However, it’s pretty obvious that a discussion needs to happen.  For example, some random shithead can’t just hop behind the wheel of a semi on a whim.  Why?  Because it’s a larger vehicle with a therefore greater destructive potential, proper training and licensing need to be in place beforehand.  It makes sense.  Now, realize each state’s regulation of that varies.  Treat firearm acquisition and regulation like that– not dictated at a federal level, but let it vary from state to state.  I’ll get back to that in a second.

Law abiding citizen with nothing glitchy in your psych profile?  Hey, go through the proper background/psych checks (and not to mention coursework), and you’re welcome to exercise your rights.  If your arsenal is dangerous enough, Hell, let’s even mandate psych re-evaluations every few years or so.  I really don’t think reasonable people will take an issue with this.

The point of the matter is this– during the debates for gun control, nobody is pointing an accusatory finger at a grandpa and his gun collection.  Nobody’s pointing an accusatory finger at a collector with an armory museum.  Nobody’s pointing a finger at a veteran of the armed services.  Nobody’s pointing an accusatory finger at the guy with the AK-47 because there might be goddamn polar bears in his back yard (yeah, I’m talking about Alaskans).

Yes, I’m ignoring the wild extremists here– because you assjacks are part of the reason why rational conversations don’t happen involving updating gun regulations.

Yeah, I'm talking to you.  Eat a bag of dicks.

I’m really having too much fun with irony today.

Back to states regulating their own shit–  isn’t that the point of the United States?  If you don’t like the way your state is running shit, you have the option to move?  It would make sense to treat gun laws this way, so that each state (and corresponding demographics) can decide for themselves what works best for their population.  If New York wants to tighten down, but Texas says “screw that noise,” what’s to say one side is right and the other is not?  (Shut the hell up, you extremists, I’m not done yet.)  That’s the point of States…  then again, this particular topic might be a century or so out of date— but every bit as relevant today as it was then.

Now, there’s one thing I have to question…  why the Hell are we trusting minimum wage employees with the sale of firearms and ammo?  Shouldn’t the sale of such things be limited to specialty/pro/gun shops, where expertise and training are theoretically needed– and not left in the hands of someone who hates their job almost as much as a McBurgerFlip?

I digress, but it’s time to bring this to a close.

For those of you skimming for the punchline– well it’s time for the ADD recap:

  • Don’t penalize me for something someone else did.  That’s just dumb.
  • Prohibition of guns will go over as well as prohibition of alcohol.
  • A discussion needs to happen concerning sensible regulation of firearms, without blinder-wearing extremists like Feinstein and LaPierre being allowed in the room.
  • Perhaps states should be in charge of the gun regulations within their borders, to better serve their citizens.  This is crucial in a country as large, populous, and diverse as the US.
  • Perhaps a tiered licensing/qualification system should be in place for higher grades of firepower.
  • Let’s put guns/ammo in dedicated gun/sport shops, not in the concerned hands of a minimum-wage earning department store clerk.

And as for the rest of you rhetoric-spouting puppets (on both far-sides of the aisle)…  seriously?  Get laryngitis.  Polarizing the topic is no way to get anything done.

Then again, it’s soooooooooooooooo much better for everyone to argue from two extremes– right?
Sure is better for politics and ratings!

Now back to your regularly scheduled wiseassery.


  1. Earnest says:

    Well said. Well said

  2. Emily says:

    Bill you need to have a disclaimer on your blog to not eat or drink while reading because I really just spit soda out of my nose… Awesome lol. But seriously I’m sick of all these extremists. Before long we’ll all have to be cutting our steaks with tablespoons…..

  3. […] least that took some creativity, effort, and thought.  It’s a hell of a lot more useful than posturing as a social activist when all you do is sit on your ass behind a keyboard and pretend to be better […]

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