I Loathe April 1

Posted: April 1, 2014 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , ,

Pretty strong words from an insufferable wiseass like myself, right?  It’s true.  I despise April Fools Day with a hatred that is well beyond the vocabulary of the Westboro Baptist Church.  Kind of ironic when I used to love this holiday– almost as much as Halloween.  Well as the song goes–  I used to love her, but I had to kill her…. or in this case, me.

If you’re scratching your head with confusion, that’s perfectly ok.

There are also some of you pointing your fingers and screaming, “Serves you right, you bastard!”

That’s also ok– except I know my father and you should reconsider your insults accordingly.

But I do love Adam West...

Hold your shit, boy wonder, I think he’s about to explain…

You see, only I could destroy a holiday I love by doing it too well.  After all, I am that guy.  Some of you are still scratching your head trying to figure out what the penultimate prank would be… and those same people mistakenly insulting my parentage are further wishing that I’d be on the receiving end of sex with a cactus.

Figured it out yet?  How ’bout another riddle–  what has two thumbs and faked their own death?

If you answered, “You’re an asshole,” you’d be 100% correct– and you should reward yourself with a cookie.  That’s right, 12 years ago today– I became the hood ornament for a Mack Truck and died at ECMC in Buffalo.  The details of the story and execution are about as mundane as they are despicably brilliant– but needless to say, it worked.  When I say worked, I mean like using a napalm strike to light a cigarette.

Yeah yeah, I've already been rebuked over this 1000x.

I haven’t even got to the best part yet!

Now, see, if it had merely been a successful act of social engineering and misinformation– I might have continued with my fantastic fuckery.  However, here’s where it backfired–  I killed me off so well, I had people coming up to me three days later just astounded that I was alive.  Let’s put aside the fact that apparently nobody knew how to internet in 2002, and ignore all other logical debunking methods– I was still no-selling my own death all the way to April 4, well beyond the point where I could still be impressed with my act of gratuitous assholery.

In fact, it only served to drive the nail home that I will never be able to pull off something like that again.  Ever since, the joke’s been on me– not for every time I happen to get suckered by a savvy troll (or George Takei posting that he may host SNL)– but because I remember that on this day:  I killed something I loved because I decided it wouldn’t hurt to turn it to 11.  Not only that, but I can’t do it again.

So yeah…  Go on with your fake life events and deliberate misinformation.  Carry on like you’re being clever.
You, and this holiday, officially suck– and I have nobody to blame but myself.

Unplug.

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