That’s Climate Sarcasm

Posted: January 8, 2014 in Humor
Tags: , , ,

Hello, fellow popsicles! Since real winter decided to rear its fugly head and have a laugh at everyone’s expense, I’m gonna throw down a tribute to winter.  Why?  Some men just want to watch the world burn.

At least that way it’d be a bit fuckin’ warmer.  Anyway.

I mean it's only January.

Thank you, George Takei.

You know it’s cold when:

  • Rock salt stops working.
  • You know what each one of your friends and family’s dashboards look like.
  • Wind chills look like figures out of a chemistry class.
  • The lock on your door froze on the inside.
  • You don’t bake because you want food; you do it for the extra warmth.
  • The only people out and about are senior citizens, because this shit isn’t anything new to them.
  • You can see who farted.
  • You can’t scroll an inch on Facebook without seeing something winter related.
  • You have to pick yellow icicles out of your dog’s fur.
  • Instead of just saying “cold snap,” they invented terms like “polar vortex.”
  • Canada gets the opportunity to teabag the US.
Anyone for an uppercut?

You’ll never not see balls again. Big. Frosty. Canadian. Balls.

  • People in Minnesota wonder why there’s news coverage for average weather.
  • Iceman put on a sweater.
  • People in Western NY/Northwest PA close everything.
  • You’re afraid to sneeze, for fear of frozen snot darts putting someone’s eye out.
  • The steering wheel is as untouchable as a scorching summer day.
  • Hoes wear long underwear.
  • LCD screens have enough lag to make you wonder if they’re utterly fucked.
  • Yahoo’s “trending now” search bar reveals a resurging interest in worship of the Norse gods via sacrifice.
  • Cops won’t pull you over for talking on the phone.
  • Things randomly break without being touched.
  • You gas up your car, not because you’re going anywhere, but because you don’t want the fuel line to freeze.
  • You can run through Wegmans on Tuesday at 12:30pm—and get in a full shopping run finished in 15 minutes flat.
  • Your hair freezes and snaps off.
  • There’s frost buildup on the inside of your car.
  • Cops don’t pull you over for doing 40 in a 25.
  • A friend with heat is as good as a friend with booze.
  • You compulsively double check your electric and gas bills just to make sure they didn’t screw up your last couple of payments.
  • You notice a sudden difference between those who can get out and about, and those whose cars won’t give a fuck.
  • There are no fucking birds… anywhere.
  • Ice-related pranks and revenge suddenly become too easy to pass up.
  • They are also abandoned as quickly as they are thought up because “I’m not going out in this shit.”
  • Buffalo shuts down.
Goddamn Buffalo.

Pretty much.

  • Cuddling up for warmth has no ulterior motives.
  • The windows on your car are completely frozen shut… but there’s no ice caked up on them.
  • It’s actually warmer in parts of Alaska than where you live.
  • You can hear laughter coming from the nearest National Fuel office.
  • You could literally freeze your balls off.
  • There aren’t any ice fishermen out… anywhere.
  • Even that cold witch’s tit is in a flannel shirt and not in a brass bra.
  • Mr. Freeze gets shrinkage.
  • You develop a whole new appreciation for “The Frozen Throne” when taking your morning shit.
  • You can freeze your eyelashes shut with a watery blink.
  • Everyone looks like Randy from “A Christmas Story”
I can't put my arms down!

… pic related.

  • Fuck linoleum and tile floors.
  • You are acutely aware of which windows have drafts.
  • Fuck sledding/skiing/snowboarding.
  • You freeze your nose hairs just by breathing.
  • With the proper technique, you can spit snow.
  • Women get beard envy.
  • There are no fake homeless people.
  • You can plainly see the heat escaping from open doors.
  • Window lickers get stuck.

Unplug.

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