A note on bullying…

Posted: October 21, 2013 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , ,

There’s a little trend that’s been on the rise for the past year or so—a cry to end bullying.  Although this is a noble sentiment, you’d have better luck trying to root the self-serving assholery out of the US Government.  Why?  Because kids are pricks, plain and simple.  We’re not just talking run-of-the-mill pricks, we’re talking Lex Steele sized dicks hopped up on Viagra.

This topic is one I hold contemptuously dear, because even though I’ve always been a legend in my own mind— I didn’t always have the reputation.  In fact, I can probably attribute a lot of who I am today to the fact that I was bullied like a bitch for the majority of my grade school years.

Been there.  Outlasted that.

Pic related.

So boo-hoo, you’re gay and morons make fun of you for it?  Newsflash, there are many serious laws that protect you—which means there are very real consequences for assholes being shitty to you.  Hang on, that didn’t come out right.  Actually… yeah it did.  Anyway, try being the runt.  I walked into high school a towering 5’2” at a scale-smashing 90lbs.  That’s right, ladies and gents, I redefined the term “easy target” just by my laughable stature alone.  Now throw a geek complex on top of it, with a fat dash of sci-fi loving nerdery.

Maybe I should put my youth in perspective that you bleeding hearts can appreciate.  The only way I could get my ass kicked on that level now would be to walk into a feminist rally and scream, “Why don’t I see anyone making sandwiches?!”

Telling a teacher is more pointless than trying to report a jaywalker to the police.  Case and point: a teacher of mine in 8th grade had the stones to tell me, “I’m tired of dealing with this.”  She later went on to have a career in county government as an elected official.  Yes, I kept this vague because she’s a socially-impressed bitch who was laughable at her job to begin with (which explains the election)—and I wouldn’t put it past her to seek legal counsel in the unlikely chance she read this.

By the way, if you are reading this, I hope whatever genetic party favors that pop out of your vag ironically end up treated like you did me.

Admit it.  You're laughing at the cruel irony.

Mind you, there are two distinct connotations for “a bitch.” Karma is the mean-spirited one and doesn’t care which one YOU are.

You see, teachers can only fill in so far where parenting falls short.  Bullies primarily come from two kinds of households.  Either they’re a flea’s nuts above pond scum, without any sort of parenting besides providing a roof over the head—or they’re the polar opposite and utterly spoiled brats.  The result is the same: the little shithead receives no consequences for being a maladjusted dickwaffle.  In the case of the latter, the parents will defend their little angel because—Newsflash!—there’s no way their kid would be held responsible.  That and kids are fucking devious little pricks and are pretty adept at hiding their douchebaggery.

Moral of the story:  kids are assholes, and sharing some fecklessly trite image on facebook (or a hashtag on twitter) does nothing.  There’s only so much a teacher can do without a parent reinforcing it—and that “so much” is limited to the four walls of a classroom, and in some cases not even that.

Get the extended metaphor?

Case and point.

So, what can you do?  One, teach your kid to blend in—and no I’m not saying destroy their individuality.  It’s a learned skill, observing social interactions and perceived pecking order—and learn how to blend in and/or exploit behaviors observed.  Seriously, you don’t think I can seamlessly go from the opera to a metal show just because I’m a natural chameleon, do you?  No, I learned how to hide in plain sight because I had to.  This skill only mitigates the frequency/ferocity of the torment, and guarantees the kid can be whoever they want to be once they’re out of the system.

Also, don’t underestimate the impact of violence on a kid’s mind.  That’s right, I’m telling you to teach your kid to fight back—or manipulate a bigger bully to kick their tormentor’s ass (choosing your battles falls into the chameleon role, as you do not want them to start fights.)  Sometimes the promise of immediate retribution is an excellent deterrent to degenerates that don’t get the hint.  Example:  my sister was getting flak from some kids, and insulting my mother.  These kids, though younger than I, were a lot bigger.  Needless to say, I’d never been in a fight in my life—but after three epic minutes on the playground…  I got some relief from the bullies who were messing with me.  Why?  Because they saw me walk up a stream of punches (I have no idea how many, I just know I got hit a lot) and then put the little bastard on his ass with four shots to the mouth.  When his buddy (as bullies often have a subordinate, or a group) rushed to tackle me, I sidestepped him and stopped his skull with a right.  His body kept going, and he landed flat on the ground.  Moral of the story?  Three minutes of glory and two publicly weeping douches later, there was relief.  That’s right, fuck the common wisdom—sometimes violence is the answer.  This is especially true when dealing with immature minds that are bent on making your life miserable (therefore not caring about reason or words, I tried those.)

I haven’t been in a fight since, and considering my physical stature now—I almost pity anyone who releases that same bottomless pit of wrath 20 years later.

Step right up and get some.

I wish I had those abs.

So, like parenting can quell a bully—parenting can also help the kid not self-destruct.  That’s right, not all bulling victims kill themselves or go find a gun and go for the high score.  It’s called growing up, which is apparently a lost art form.  Do I wish I didn’t go through years of bullshit?  Yup.  Did it suck?  Yup.  Did I survive?  Yup.  Does it matter to me nowNope.  In fact, I’m pretty fucking awesome.

That’s another thing—once you’re out of the situation, it’s over (also, learn how to use the fucking block button.  Seriously, people, learn to internet.)  If you carry their shit with you, that reflects on your lack of character—not the assjacks that caused you grief.   That’s the best part about the past: it’s over.

So, here’s the short, short version for you people with ADD.

  1. Teach your kid to think like a spy.  Blend in, don’t draw attention to yourself, figure out how things work, and exploit it for your safety and advantage.  Awesome life skill here.
  2. Teach your kid to fight back.  Seriously, if you have a runt—get them some fucking martial arts lessons.  At least teach them about small digit manipulation.  Don’t swing first—swing last.
  3. Not all bullied kids kill people (themselves or otherwise).
  4. All the hashtags and digital memorials in the world won’t do shit to stop bullying.  It’s called parental responsibility. This also means if your kid is a little predator– don’t have more kids because you are the fuckstick that’s behind the problem.
  5. Kids are assholes, and they will always be assholes when they think nobody’s looking.

That about cover it?
Yeah.  It does.


  1. […] That’s right.  It wasn’t catching a fridge, it wasn’t doing dumb shit at the gym, and it surely wasn’t a marathon fap session in front of the tube.   I was playing a game that fellow 80′s children know and love.  I hadn’t played since maybe high school, and I was being called in as a ringer for my wife’s company team…  I figured, “Hey, what’s the worst that could happen?  We’ll play three or four games, get eliminated, and it’ll be fun!  I can’t wait to see what this body of mine can do compared to runt me.” […]

  2. Kathy W. says:

    Nope, not pretty fucking awesome. You’re an asshat. Just because you dealt with your perceived bullying one way doesn’t mean that everyone should take it or that every bully (or bullies in most cases because most times they travel in packs) backs down to physical aggression. Growing up means not making wild generalizations that seriously could damage people. Good luck with doing that someday.

    • First off, your ad hominem pretty much discounts anything you have to say.
      Second, to tell me that getting my skull beat in by multiple children larger than me, the social isolation I dealt with for years, and the innumerable verbal taunts didn’t constitute bullying– further nullifies your opinion.

      But hey, you saw fit to comment, I’ll indulge you.

      Do you have a background in education? Are you a parent volunteer who has experience in this field? By your wording, I’d guess your experience is limited to clicking “like” on a Facebook post.

      Kathy– likes don’t stop fists. Educators do not stop fists, I should know. Been there, done that. And, naturally, this poor guy knows how effective schools are at stopping bullying: https://www.facebook.com/noh8campaign/photos/a.113292212837.98471.88890737837/10152848099092838/?type=1&relevant_count=1

      So. Are you going to lecture me further about accepting victimization, or are you going to rely on dismissive ad hominems again?

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