No red solo cups this year… but liver damage? Oh yes…

Posted: October 2, 2013 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , , ,

Some of you may notice a foreboding stillness in the air, like the world itself unconsciously gasped and forgot to exhale.  Verily, ‘tis that fabled time of year, where once legendary livers are brought out of mothballs to again crack errant walnuts with reckless abandon.  A time, if you will, where freshmen shall cry out to the gods and goddesses of old, “Are you not entertained?!”

… and we shall whisper in pitiless reply, “No.”

Do work!!!

Sound the vetted war cry of old! “TO THE BARS!!!!”

This year is going to be unlike the blurred litany of the past decade, because for the first time… my chapter of TKE will no longer be there.  Missing will be the beer pong tournaments and afterparties, and gone will be the guaranteed amusement brought by watching hammered undergrads vainly attempt to keep up.  I won’t be introduced to a new class of pledges who, upon mention of my name, need forklifts to pick up their jaws before they can say, “Oh shit… you’re him.”

If you will all join me in a reverent moment of internet silence.
Seriously, close the other window with the porn.
I can hear that shit.
This is a serious moment here.
Show some fucking respect.

Thank you.

Now while I’m on this wistful nostalgic kick, this year will make up for the amalgamated fuckpile of fail that was HC2012.  I can’t even spell it out completely, it was so… lame.  I blame the old job, which kept me from a two day running riot, but not this year.  Hell no.  Not only has my awesome boss arranged for me to be off, I’m also getting paid to get fucked-in-half shitfaced with the old guard.

Pile on top of that guaranteed wasted weekend this little fact: we’re staying in the dorms, because enrollment is down to the point where campus is renting them out on the cheap to alumni.  That’s right, no driving.

This is the best worst idea ever… or worst best… something like that, jury’s still out.

Karen Allen... what happened to you?

I’m sure Cortana’s thought this MANY times… especially when I get this giddy over going full booztafarian….

Some of you already see the spray paint on the walls… because relieving professional lushes of their driving responsibilities equals one thing— there’s gonna be a gagglefuck of thirty-somethings pretending to be undergrads.  Who is going to turn down drinks when they can crawl back to the dorms as in days of yore?  If this wasn’t a call to party harder than the last homecoming before I met Cortana— there’s another ace in the hole.

Not only will I have my usual war party of TKE brothers and other collected awesome, this year is special.  My girls will be there—that’s right—the ladies who taught me the true meaning of “drink while you think” will be in attendance.  Not only will my generation of ladies be there (don’t judge us, we rule), they’ll be doing this thing in force.  That’s right, this is a Delta Zeta year.  Awwwww Delta!  Awwwww Zeta!  If I could jump up and down in text form, I would be right about… now….

Did I also mention that most of them, as well as the usual suspects, are staying in the dorms too?  Did I also forget to mention that the infamous “trunk bar” is not only requested—but open to party?

This can only end one way…


  1. Fish says:

    God be with you Lord William. I am hoping that one day we will be able to rise from the ashes like a Phoenix of old.

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