Junk mail can be so useful…

Posted: September 18, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

I know, I know, I know, it’s been awhile since I updated the blog.  I’m long overdue for the next Tough Mudder issue (among other things) but hey—life’s life and when Thanatos suckerpunches you in the childhood, sometimes the only recourse is to take a step back and take stock of what you’re doing.  In my case, it was a stint of heavy drinking followed by immersing myself in my job.

No, not in the same day (in that order), I don’t work in a restaurant anymore.
Damn big boy job.

Anyway, that boring preamble and pretense of an apology aside, nobody likes junk mail.  However, unlike with spammers where all you can do is fecklessly report and block the sender, there is something you can do to the dickhead credit card companies that send you offer after shitty offer.

No no no no no... there's a better way.

Yeah, if you believe you can just “sign up” to “opt out,” I’ve got some ocean front property in Kansas to sell you.

Now, working for the post office—I know that a huge chunk of my bread and butter revolves around these mailing list morons.  I also know that those postage paid business reply envelopes that they enclose cost a whopping $1.25 for them to pick up.  Screw that weak-ass 46₵ stamp price, oh no, that business reply mail is fuckin’ expensive.  That’s right people, the federal government won’t do shit to protect you from incompetent banks and predatory lending, but there is a way for the little guy to dole out daily payback– slathered with smarmy assholery to revel in.

Take me for example–  I cancelled my old Citi card because those doucherockets have customer service that’s worse than a loan shark during an audit.  That’s another rant entirely, but the kicker is this:  I am now a permanent fixture on their “bury with applications” list.  This also means I get to charge them money for annoying me (on top of the initial reason I cancelled the card.)

Oh no, I don’t just toss it–  I tear that shit up and stuff it back in their prepaid envelope.  That’s right, I’m making them pay to get their junkmail back— in itty bitty pieces.  Let’s visit the math from the past week, and bask in how I dinged them like an unpaid late fee.

Revenge is even funnier when they have to pay to pick it up.

This is your weapon, ladies ‘n’ gents. And they even replenish your ammo!

They sent me two applications last Wednesday, another on Friday, and two more this past Monday…  so over the course of the past week, I got hit with five pieces of garbage that would have otherwise taken up space in my trash can or recycling bin.

5 x $1.25 = $6.25

That’s just the past week.  Let’s extrapolate for a month, to further illustrate the damage one person can do.

$6.25 x 4 weeks = $25

Have I just shown you how to charge an aggravation tax to credit card companies and not-for-profit beggars?  Why yes, yes I have.

Not to mention, I don’t get all that much junk mail.  Wouldn’t take much to take $100 a month out of a company, would it?  They’re a beautiful instrument of karma, those business reply mail envelopes—each filled with funfetti.

What do I get out of this, besides a hearty (and dickish) chuckle?
Job security, bitches. They pay that asshole tax to the post office for hauling their murdered tree corpses back to them.

So dont toss your junk mail… open it up, rip it up, and make them pay to get it back.

Not to mention, you know they have to pay someone to clean the mail opening machine after it hits a confetti bomb.  That poor bastard gets added job security too.  See, you can even help the economy by returning bullshit to the sender.  Everybody wins… even the hippies.

Unplug.

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