I think I’ll run for Emperor…

Posted: August 9, 2013 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , , ,

… I was watching Colbert on Hulu last night after a rousing bout at the gym, and realized that I need to run for office.  I’m not talking some chintzy country comptroller position, oh no.  I’m talking a position high enough on the food chain, I can shoryuken a senator in the sack and get away with it because we all know that Washington criminals can pretty much get away with murder.  Ain’t that right, Ted Kennedy?  Wait, he’s dead?  Doesn’t matter, you get the point.

Hell, screw murder, the bigwigs can take a shit on the Constitution with things like PRISM and nobody bats an eye.  However, I digress, I got carried away with my metaphorical assault.  Honestly, anyone who can claim to vote upon a 1,990 page bill with the authority to put it into law because they read and understood the whole thing is probably too delusional to notice a proper dick punch (or cunt punt… gotta be fair to the womens).  That’s right, I haven’t read enough about it to even comment on the results— but I can bag on the fact that the vote/signing went down in the first place.  Care to remember that infamous Pelosi quote?  “But we have to pass the [health care] bill so that you can find out what’s in it….”

That’s even dumber than making a binge run to Taco Bell and not being sure if you have TP for when you get home.

Nope, I took the high road and made a child warfare joke.

And you thought I was going to take the low road and make a retard joke. Fucking cretins.

Ahhhh, but this is what we get when– for years– most of our political choices are the equivalent of choosing between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.  Unlike Trey and Matt’s witty metaphor, this shit is only funny to a misanthropic cynic for the delectable I-fucking-told-you-so moment.  Unsurprisingly, those same bastards and bitches are downright clairvoyant when it comes to anything Washington-related… which ties back to me being in office would be fantastically dangerous– and hilariously awesome.

Naturally (and firstly), it wouldn’t happen, because I exist in the real world.

People generally agree that healthcare is something you kinda sorta need to survive in this day and age.  Now, am I the only one who sees how stupid it is to put an hourly threshold for mandatory benefits?  Ladies and gentlemen, Perry Cox was right when he proclaimed that people are “bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.”  What do you think a bastard is going to do when you say that they must provide Harry Hourly and Mindy Minimum with healthcare if they work a certain amount of hours a week?

If you said, “cut their hours,” you are officially smarter than every brain dead suit in Washington, and their sycophantic stooges on the news.

I think most high schoolers would immediately recognize this joke...  It's older than they are.

… yes, these are the same people we are supposed to trust to “report” on our government’s plans for our future.

So, someone’s probably drumming their fingers while reading this and wondering what my self-impressed, narcissistic, insufferable, toned ass would do to fix the situation.  How would I get more universal healthcare to the masses, without utterly boning small business owners into oblivion?  Grab your calculator and roll some numbers with me.

The poverty line in America for one person is a damn-near unlivable $11,490.  At that point, you qualify for Medicaid anyway– so moot point.  So let’s bump it up a bit, but not get crazy here–  let’s say our earner is making $18,000.  That’s still a beyond-shit wage, but you can make ends meet if you’re smart about it.  Instead of fucking the worker by providing an out for the corporation– we institute the 10-1 rule.  If the highest paid member/owner of your organization makes more than ten times the lowest paid member– guess what, you have to provide healthcare.   Most small business owners don’t make more than ten times what they pay their employees, so guess what– they’re going to continue business as usual, and not get screwed over by having part time employees…  but if one person is making a penny over $180k (for this example, at least)…

In short, companies would have incentive to hire on full time (may as well have a full-time workforce if you’re gonna have to pay for them, right?), and small business would still have the advantage of being able to hire part-timers without getting saddled with insurance mandates.  Now, to really drive the nail home– allow insurance companies to compete across state lines so competition (and a larger premium base) will drive the average costs down.

In short, having a job would mean having healthcare (and most likely working full time to boot)– and if you’re unemployed, you’re either retired (Medicare) or covered by Medicaid.   More people covered (which everyone seems to agree is a good thing), and zero opportunity for large corporations to continue dry fucking the working stiffs.

— snark and jokes included, I pretty much handled the issue in under 900 words.

So, someone run me for a major office.  I promise not to show up drunk.

Yeah, that was a lie.


  1. […] cry to end bullying.  Although this is a noble sentiment, you’d have better luck trying to root the self-serving assholery out of the US Government.  Why?  Because kids are pricks, plain and simple.  We’re not just talking run-of-the-mill […]

  2. […] even dumber than you look.  Case and point?  Just look at the asshole ways these employers have gotten around providing healthcare.  This situation is no different, and don’t delude yourself into thinking […]

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