A realization at 70 miles an hour…

Posted: June 23, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

So as I was on the road to Edinboro today, I closed in on a Honda Fit hybrid with an obnoxious amount of stereotype-predicted bumper stickers affixed to it.  After noticing the faculty tag on the bumper, I immediately knew the driver– and then had a realization dawn on me like a Mack truck without brakes.  This guy, in spite of being a walking caricature of gratuitous activism gone abominably wrong, actually has nothing to do with the revelation– save to illustrate a point.

Hybrids, save some of the newest models that look like “normal” vehicles, look like hybrids.  You know what I’m talking about, so don’t try and claim otherwise.  The lines on these glorified shoeboxes give the illusion of some semblance of performance, and that’s where the performance dies of feckless shame.

Would you like to add the front seat mounted dildo for another smug $3000?

Sure, it looks sleek. I can beat this car off the mark ON FOOT.

Now Greenniks– hold your outrage.  There’s a point to this, because I know you’re not all simpering sacks of douche thinking your car will save the planet.  To be accurate, most greenniks are the wonderful types of people who’d teach you the best way to make/fertilize a garden with of your own sphyncter-deposited shit– while also letting you know what a wretchedly disgusting idea that is.  However this ditty isn’t about enviro-nauts, this is about hybrids.

Yes, we get it, hybrids are good on gas.  I’m betting one of the big reasons that most people aren’t popping the extra cash out to give Big Oil the finger is… well…  besides the gas mileage (which usually isn’t that spectacular) is the only major perk.  Let’s face it, “hybrid” is a sticker slapped on a car that otherwise sucks at being a car.  Calling your wind up toy a “hybrid” might make you feel better about driving a car that makes you look like a joke… but no matter what, it lacks the guts to help you escape after flipping the bird.  Handling?  Please.  Don’t make me laugh.

Lies and slander.

It’s such a well-known fact, even car makers acknowledge it.

Here’s another tidbit– your driving affects your mileage almost as dramatically as the vehicle beneath your ass.  There’s also a novel concept known as hike it once in awhile.  Not to mention– have you looked at the smog that gets pumped outta China these days?  Sure, save the world with your smug little shitbox that can’t outrun an arthritic hamster– because China has three cities with air so chewy you need to cut it with a knife before taking a breath.  For those of you keeping score, there’s way more of them than there are of us… so the miraculous enviro-dent you’re making is akin to taking a gulp of the Atlantic and claiming to have drank the sea like Thor.

Keep your hybrids, I’ll just limit my driving– and enjoy every fuckin’ minute of it when I’m behind the wheel.
Well.  There’s one alternate fuel car that I find attractive to the point of utter arousal:

There we go!

That’s more my speed.

Unplug.

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