This is how you get someone’s attention…

Posted: March 22, 2013 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , ,

So I was surfing around, looking for a new job, and found out that Bungie’s hiring in Seattle, WA.  I’m a bit of a Halo junkie (hence the Cortana reference), and I am pretty much over the whole Eastern Time Zone thing.  So I figured, why the Hell not?  Gretzky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”  Assuming I quoted and attributed that correctly, here’s my shot– and believe you me, it’s a freaking doozie.

Funny part is, I'm more of a sword-whore.

Boom. Headshot.

So yeah, they needed a production assistant– and realizing that Bungie rules because they don’t use some bastard third-party ATS– I decided to stick out of the crowd with my cover letter….

To whomever is blessed with fielding this email address:

Since I cannot juggle chainsaws, the staff will be thoroughly entertained when I try to snag the first one out of the air.  Since I have a degree in English, you can guarantee that the resulting obscenity-laden tirade could very well be in sonnet form (I prefer Petrarchan)– complete with Elizabethan epithets.  I possess two keen eyes for detail when not masquerading as a pirate, and an attention span that doesn’t make that bi-ocular detail-orientation seem like OCD.  When it comes to seeking a multifaceted production assistant that can handle anything and everything that can be thrown in their general direction, not including multiple chainsaws, look no further.

Obvious reasons for wanting to work at Bungie aside (ascending beyond a glorified free-kill in Halo), my versatility and talents are not finding useful outlets in the corner of the nation that I have known all my life.  Desire for a challenge mentally equivalent to a Tough Mudder (I’ve already completed one) is what’s pushing me towards Bungie– and the manner the job posting was worded was too geared towards my personality to resist.  I’ve worked with people from the most humble bumpkin to well-educated engineers and doctors (as well as wealthy sycophants less intelligent than the aforementioned bumpkins.)  I have a natural ability to figure out what makes people tick, and adapting to those quirks like a Borg on crack is my key to being an exceptional team player.

This specific production assistant job is something I was made for, and having a look at the attached resume might provide a tip about all I could bring to Bungie.  That said– it’s never just the tip, and just like any similar enticement– this is about the whole package.  I want to relocate to the Seattle, WA area as I said before– and I can’t think of a better way to usher in a new era of growth than by throwing myself face-first into a dynamic career at Bungie.  I’m looking forward to hearing from whomever may eventually end up with my credentials, and I do sincerely hope said contact is not just a generic form letter befitting lesser, generic applications.

After that, I attached my updated resume, signed off, and figured this might set me apart from the thousands of other emails that flooded their centralized “” address.  A couple minutes later–  here’s the reply I got:

Thanks for your interest in opportunities at Bungie. We’re flattered—sincerely!  We promise that your resume hasn’t gone into the dark void; it’s actually being pored over by a real, live person.  We’ll contact you as soon as possible if there’s a match between your skills and our opening(s).  If there’s not a match at this time, promise to keep your information on hand and reach out as appropriate opportunities pop up. In the meantime, thanks again!


PS: If you’re an artist and have not yet submitted your reel, please do. We’d love to see your work! A detailed description of the work you performed or a comprehensive shot breakdown should accompany your submission.

This shit's gonna be hilarious.

My general reaction.

I don’t think much more needs to be said here…

… in other news, click this link to my first publication– 6 Ways Companies Are Secretly Screwing Job Applicants

Why?  Because my broke ass could use the monetary site-traffic bonus, and I’m in direct competition with every other Cracked article posted this month– and I was started with an 18 day handicap.

Help a brother out, post that link everywhere, and click on it as often as possible.
Do work, people, I may write because I love it– but dammit, I want something back this time!

(This has been my shameless plug of the night)




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