How do I explain this to grandma?

Posted: March 14, 2013 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , ,

A long time ago, in a city not too far from here, I had an awfully awesome idea for a Halloween costume.  The emphasis, of course, is on the awful.  Luckily for those near and dear, I was talked out of my despicable machinations.  Some of you know about the costume that has only been whispered about by alcohol-kissed lips during lascivious sidebars.  That’s right, I’m referencing him.  The one, the horny, the psyche-scarringly wrong… Professor Porn.

Oh Leopold...

… except this kind of “getting it in the eye” is technically SFW.

That’s right, the 18″ double-dong-wielding madman known as Professor Porn never saw the light of day, or the dark side of the moon, or even the rings of Uranus.  No assjacks tasted the mushroom-stamp of justice.  Nobody benefited from hiding behind his splash-guardian cape constructed of clear shower curtain– and that’s about as far as these are going to go.  Long story short, it was an idea that was miscarried into existence due to my (former) habit of watching Jenna Jameson get blasted during particularly boring fraternity meetings, but that‘s another story entirely.  Anyway.

Fast forward a bunch of years, and here I am slinging job apps like manchowder at any potential place one might stick.  Now, have you ever applied to a job– never expecting to get a phone call back?

Here’s where the aborted Professor comes into play– and no this doesn’t mean I’m gonna enhance/ruin your spank session by showing up on your screen (nor am I going to be some entry-level fluffer).  I got a phone call today from a certain…  purveyor of assorted “adult novelties” looking to interview me for the assistant manager slot.  It doesn’t help the situation that my cousin is a web content developer for Girls Gone Wild.  I’ll give you a second to process this, but I’m warning you–  you’re laughing prematurely.

Now, riddle me this: how does one interview for the ass. manager position at a fap shack?

Almost feels like you took a dildo slap to the cerebellum.

Hurts your head, don’t it?

No jocularity spared here, I have more questions than…  yeah maybe that analogy is a bit too far.
However, here are the major ones that come to mind:

  1. What does one wear to an interview like this?
  2. What kind of questions is she (yes, the store manager’s a she) going to ask me?
  3. How loaded should my responses be?
  4. What kind of product knowledge ….  yeah gonna stop there.
  5. Will there be an employee discount?
  6. What in the Nine Levels of Hell should I tell my little Italian grandmother if I get the job?

I mean, yeah, it’s pretty funny to think about being the “ass. manager” of the sex smorgasbord…  I may be a touch overqualified for the job (don’t judge me), and yeah— I have no choice but to take the first job that comes my way.  I just didn’t expect the possibility of said job being this… sticky.

Savor that.

Unplug.

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