My Holy-Shit-o-Meter Just Broke…

Posted: January 27, 2013 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , , , ,

You’re asking yourself any of these questions right now: “What, exactly, does it take to break a holy-shit-o-meter?”  “Do those come with lifetime warranties?”   “Yours was way more durable than the rest– how in the Nine Levels of Hell did yours break!?”  Well, on Friday– January 25– at precisely 4:39pm, whilst conveniently and coincidentally taking a dump, my cell phone alerted me to an email.  I opened said email, and the ensuing colonic evacuation caused the porcelain goddess tap out– because I got the green light email from the Cracked Comedy Workshop.

For the first time in my life, I’m getting published…  I mean getting paid for my writing.

Hells to the yeah I am!

I thought I knew what this felt like. It has, again, been redefined for me.

Those of you who’ve been dedicated enough to read my slaphappy collection of miscarried thoughts, rants, and jokes– you know that getting published has been something I’ve been wanting with various degrees of conviction since I graduated from college.  While recovering from surgery, I took a slightly more serious stance towards getting published.  As you can see, “slightly” is a very relative term.

However, at long last, I got the green light.  It’s a damn good thing I was coincidentally subjecting a deuce to the witch test when I got that email– because believe you me– the individual witch had the rest of her odious comrades delivered on the double.  As it turns out, dozens of friends, family, former classmates, and former coworkers were right–  I actually can be a professional wiseass.

Wait.  Scrap that thought.  I am a professional wiseass!

Needless to say– I will hyperlink the article from the blog for you all to see.  I will be using a pen pseudonym (that some of you will definitely recognize), because I threw the Human Resource industry (and yes, it is an industry as well as a department) under the bus– backed that summbitch up– and then hit them again.

Sure, I’ve done that around here with my comparatively small reader base– but at…  I’ll garner literally hundreds of thousands of hits.  Since I’m still doggedly searching for a job (albeit with some success), I don’t need some butthurt sociopath blacklisting me because they read my article and realized that I’m onto their bullshit, and I just called them out with extreme prejudice.

Article subject matter aside– having my Holy-Shit-o-Meter blown to bits had a sweet side-effect.  I have a February 8 deadline for the article– but I wrote the whole damn thing in one night (proofread and edited it this morning).  I haven’t had this level of motivation to write (and ability to obliterate a writer’s block) since college.  I missed this feeling, and I’m all sorts of about feeding this addiction.

The first of many!!!

I’m getting published…. do dahhh do dahhh…

So yeah!  Let this be the beginning of a beautiful thing!  I’ll be emailing the finished article this afternoon after Cortana has a chance to give it an eyeball– then starting up on my next pitch.  I finally know what it’s like to make a dream come true.

Damn, it feels good.
I highly recommend it to every last one of you.

Go out.  Do it.


  1. […] letter from an automated system– and nothing else (unless you’re me, and you get a glimmer of hope).  Something has to drown out the sounds of your bank account starving to death like it’s in […]

  2. […] Everyone’s gotta start somewhere, and I’ll take it. Now if only Cracked would get off their asses and publish what they already paid for. […]

  3. […] … not only did you read that title in Professor Farnsworth’s voice, my article is finally published!  Yes, it was thoroughly edited (and goddamn awesome regardless)– and was missing my trademark unplug, but… as promised earlier when my holy-shit-o-meter blew the cover off the dashboard: […]

  4. […] that I will never have time to write, nor really do the things for Cortana that I want, I started off my own page.  If, by some […]

  5. […] I’m not talking “dick in a box” excitement. I’m not talking “I got published” excitement. I’m not even talking “I’m getting married” excitement.  […]

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