A Character Aptly Chosen

Posted: October 18, 2012 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , , , ,

“We’re all Mad here…” — The Mad Hatter

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for Halloween.  Halloween, as many of you know, is my favoritestest holiday.  That’s not a typo, that’s emphasis, stop changing the subject!  Some people like Valentines Day (they don’t call it VD for short for no reason), some like St. Patty’s day (myself included), some are traditionally obsessed with Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving.  I was once a proponent of April Fool’s Day… that is, until I ruined the whole damn thing for myself by pulling off the ultimate prank.

I’ll let you mull over the ultimate prank for a minute, I’ll wrap it up later.  Back to Halloween– it’s no secret that I go over the top.  I hit that in the last episode, and in spite of Jill 2.0 causing me issues with creation– last year was no exception.  This year is another story.  Sure, I am still buck nutty for taking a drunken stumble outside the boundaries of normalcy.  Hey, shut the hell up, my usual mental state is not part of this commentary.

Or is it?

Tea is merely a code word for alcohol.

Do you have *any* freaking idea how hard it is to find a Mad Hatter image that *isn’t* Johnny Depp? Iesu Cristae.

So this year’s theme, as the smart kids have already surmised, is “A Journey Through the Looking Glass.”  At first, someone suggested to me that I be the cryptic caterpillar– since obsequious wordplay is my forte and I have a hookah that could be used as a prop.  The thought process started simple, just have a sleeping bag strapped to my waist, curl up on a couch, and slack the night away.  It was a pretty good idea on paper, but then I decided to start thinking about the mechanics of it.

In short, scrap that idea.  There’s no way to not half-ass this costume, especially considering that I haven’t even had the damn time to finish working on the new apartment with Cortana.  If a girl wants to half-ass a costume, she can whore it up and literally go out with half her ass hanging out, and unless she looks like a shaven wildebeest, it’ll be a good time (for more than just her, presumably).   Guys don’t have that option.

So back to the theme, another reason I couldn’t pull off the caterpillar is because I can’t sit still when I’m drinking.  I’m a walker, borderline wanderer, it’s like my body catches wind of my brain’s ADD and goes in search of shiny objects.  Like I’m gonna drag around a caterpillar ass all night– do brides keep their trains on for the full reception?  So, the next logical character was…  The Hatter.  After all, I’ve got that whole “mad” part down, so this schtick is damn-near typecast, right?

Thus was born “The Clockwork Hatter.”  Defenestrate Depp, let Disney drop on him, and yeahhhhhhh…   I tangentially tinkered with this one in my mind, and then went about cobbling it together.  Thanks to Salvation Army, my buddy “Jesus,” and some stuff already on hand–  I’ve all but got it done.  Think one part Alex from A Clockwork Orange, one part steampunk, two parts Hatter, and shake it up with a couple dashes of Dr. Who.

Brain hurt yet?  Pictures will surely follow the test drive, but I’m confident that my Hatter will be unlike anything you’ve ever seen before…  kind of like Thanatos two years ago.

Consider that Death now sells Life Insurance.  WIN.

Although my Steampunk/Clockwork Hatter will never live up to this benchmark of awesome– the same brain cooked it up.
“I am become Death… Destroyer of worlds” – Bhagavad Gita (Chapter 11 Verse 32)
(Also slayer of liquor supplies.)

Now that I’ve swung back to Death, some of you have had the forethought to realize why I no longer am a fan of April Fools Day.  It goes farther than that, even beyond the penultimate prank itself.  Yes, I faked my own death– which is such a massive dick move, it should have its own porn scene with Belladonna.  That said, it’s not the initial prank that ruined it.  Let me give you some back-story, because I ruined April 1 over a decade ago.  I take it back, I ruin toilets after eating Taco Hell–  I outright defiled April Fools Day.

I’ll spare the mechanics, but I can pull a killer Houdini Disappearing Act when I want to– and it was so much easier to do before I got a cell phone.  It was freaking 2001, for crying out loud, the intarwebs were only for gaming, porn, and research– none of these social media shenanigans.  It wasn’t that I successfully faked my death for my fraternity (faked so hard, in fact, they cancelled a fundraiser)– but the collateral damage.  Rumors of my untimely demise had spread beyond the initial prank-ees in the five freakin minutes to the point that days later I still had people giving me the “holy shit I heard you were a hood ornament!” routine.  Come to think of it, social media could have squashed the collateral damage….  or got me a memorial!

So yeah…. moral of the story:  Death’s been dead before, and now he’s a life insurance agent.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I wanted to.


  1. […] I feel is worth doing should be worth going utterly overboard. Whether it’s Tough Mudders, Halloween Costumes, Homecoming Alcoholism, or college (I was an undergrad for only a decade)– if I’m going […]

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