It’s Rant Time!

Posted: October 15, 2012 in Rant
Tags: , , , , ,

Before I get ahead of myself, I have a great degree of appreciation for Google.  This may come as a surprise to people that I am appreciative of any corporate entity, but seriously?  Google is king shit in my eyes, and this is probably why I’m about to snap script like it’s nobody’s business.  Disappointment is a Hell of a drug, baby, and I got a dose of it straight to the brain over the course of this weekend.  To the codemonkeys who created/update Google Maps, and Google Navigation– you should be ashamed of yourselves.  I mean ashamed.

How, may I ask, can a company that has spearheaded the brilliance that is Android put out a homesick miscarriage like their navigation application?  It’s common knowledge that Google Maps is more than fallible, in fact it lies with the dexterity of a campaigning politician.  I’ve had it try and tell me hotels are somehow lodged within solid rock faces (totally aside from trying to send me across roads that no longer exist).

I wish.

Yeah, no… would have been nice, though.

Getting an erroneous location is bad enough, and it’s downright maddening if you don’t even have a cell signal to call someone and figure out where in the Nine Levels you really are.  Then again, nobody just gets a location anymore and plots a course old school– oh no.  We get to deal with that abomination of Google’s next level of Fail.  Where the map app just lies, the navigation app outright trolls.  Don’t believe me?

Check this this screenshot out, and then take into account this weekend.

Trolling level?  Over 9000.

Notice where the arrow is– there’s no way to see when you’re getting trolled until you realize it made you take a detour FOR NO REASON. Mind you, this detour was two lefts (one off a “main road” and then BACK onto it).  You can’t even say it was a “shorter” route.

So, on Saturday, I’m running late for a wedding– go figure, right?  Me?  Late?  That’d never happen…. unless it was a day that ends in “y.”

I’ll pause for the dumb kids to get that last quip.

Ok, time’s up– this isn’t public school, and I don’t coddle the weak or the lazy.  So with the failtacular screen capture prefacing Saturday’s shenanigans, I’m running late.  I fired up my phone-side GPS, and then put the hammer down.  I had about a half hour to shave off what appeared to be a 150 minute drive…  What I didn’t realize is that this digital abortion was going to route me through a bunch of back roads (through two college towns, no less)– instead of allowing me to take the fast route on multi-lane highways.

The best part?  Well it’s threefold.  Firstly, the stupid program has inexplicably locked itself in top-down 2D mode with North at the top of the screen (as in, no sweet looking navigation like the screenshot, and no directional rotation following your blip).  That I can deal with, I learned how to read a map before there were GPS programs in everything-– so no biggie.  Secondly, same problem mentioned in the freaking caption above– I had no damn idea this bass-ackwards, inbred, bastard child of a real navigation app was trolling again.  Of course, thirdly– there’s that godawful, complacent, digitized bimbo voice…  it’s almost like they want to egg on every case of road rage out there, just by letting their biggest mistake also have a wrath-inducing voice.

Google, step up your game, because this kind of mongoloid fail is something everyone associates with AOL.  Come on, does this make any goddamn sense:  if the program recognizes that there’s a publicized bridge outing yet routes you across it anyway and doesn’t offer alternate routes, what the Hell’s the point of acknowledging the hazard?

Bridge out?  No biggie.

Newsflash: This is NOT my car.

It’s a cute novelty that I can read the license plate on a car with “street view,” but when your maps are outdated from the Carter administration…  what the Hell.  Are you assjacks only hiring Tom Tom rejects?  Because I’m sure not going with confidence here.

When in doubt, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, Google it!  Google knows everything–

— unless, you know, it’s trying to route you the wrong way down a one way street.  Recalculate this, bitches.

Unplug.

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