She wanted a name…

Posted: October 12, 2011 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , ,

After many references made to my girlfriend (you know, done generically), she finally asked me for a name.  Granted, it would be a nickname for use on here– but a name nonetheless.  Her exact reasoning was, “You have names for your left and right hands; I think I deserve a proper noun.”  Right you are, honey, right you are.  So, like preparations for mass intake of alcohol, I put a good long thought to this.

This has posed more of a problem to me than pulling up a zipper one-handed.  Do I give her a random fake name, like thousands of other pretentious bloggers?  I could refer to her with some kind of cutesy-poo pet name (like how nauseatingly romantic couples do), but we’re bad enough in public as it is.  Not to mention, if I were to engage in that kind of behavior, my reader base would drop faster than a presidential approval rating… well that and I don’t have any sickeningly confectionery proper nouns for her.

Anyway, that leaves using proper nicknames in a fashion akin to Tucker Max.  If you don’t know where this is going, you’re either new here– or don’t know me very well.  Perhaps both, but I digress.

I just KNEW no good would come from this!

It's doubly not fair-- I'm still partially gimped, *and* I would never take a swing at a chick. If you see me with a black eye, do my self-respect a favor and don't ask.

Considering that the night we met, she corrected my shithoused summation of the parentage of Artemis (mixed it up with Athena), I could refer to her by a goddess’ name.  Then again, that’d be awfully Sheen of me.  I’m a big fan, but that doesn’t change the fact that it wouldn’t snow under my nose after getting punched.  Referring to her as a divinity might also go to her head, and my bed’s only big enough for one ego my size.  I’m being a realist here, don’t judge me.

I could refer to her as “Vodka Girl,” after a nickname that she told me she had at one point at UVM.  That wouldn’t work either, because that’d paint her in the wrong light.  I mean sure, she pretty much kept pace with me at homecoming— but nah.  It fails to represent her properly.

This request of hers is as bad of a double-edged sword as the question that has been the downfall of many a man, “Does this make me look fat?”  Seriously, I have to tread lightly.  She has ways of making my brain hurt itself, and the freaking cold I caught is bad enough.

"I've got a bad feeling about this." --Han Solo

This is either the path of genius, or utter stupidity. Maybe I should have taken the ego-feeding way out like any lesser (read wiser) man.

Well, dear, you asked for it.  I dub thee…  Cortana.

Yeah, that’ll do just nicely.   Why?   Because for the longest time, I thought a girl like her could never be physically real– just only exist in my head.  Yeah, my geek is showing, so I’m gonna go toss back a drink or three and get back to work on the costume.



  1. e says:

    Um, what are you referring to?

  2. SB says:

    Did you *try* the wiki link, e?

  3. lyndseybeth says:

    haha… first time reading your blog, but I think I picked a good post to start with. hilarious.

  4. haha glad i’m not the only one who can’t pull up a zipper one handed!

    • Right? It’s deceptively hard, even if you’re completely uninjured— and if you hit the referring link, you’ll also get a glimpse into the gimp world that spawned this… depository for my cerebral flatulence.

      Either way, glad to entertain!

  5. LisaaLinh says:

    Thank you for coming by earlier. We appreciated it so much we have added you as our VIP of the week! Thanks for being the first to comment on our post!

    Bitchin’ Rants

  6. […] jocularity aside, Cortana and I made a few calls– and we did our run April 14.  I could pretend that I was actually in […]

  7. […] this seven days a week… and aside from the weekends where I moved and went to a wedding with Cortana, I haven’t had a day off since June 4.  I’d probably be stuck in a “work […]

  8. […] considering that I haven’t even had the damn time to finish working on the new apartment with Cortana.  If a girl wants to half-ass a costume, she can whore it up and literally go out with half her […]

  9. […] some self-deprecating humor, intoxicants…  ladies (as not-so-coyly insinuated by my love, Cortana)…  All fit the same mold for the most desirable definition of….  *wait for […]

  10. […] found out that Bungie’s hiring in Seattle, WA.  I’m a bit of a Halo junkie (hence the Cortana reference), and I am pretty much over the whole Eastern Time Zone thing.  So I figured, why the […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s