Time for gratuitous assholery!

Posted: September 30, 2011 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , ,

I have been kicked in the taint by inspiration, and believe you me– it hurt oh so good.  Before I take you on a guided tour of emotional blitzkreig, and verbal nukes, you must take two things into account.  One, I was once part of a Comedy Central-styled roast of the Greek adviser at my alma mater– those megalomaniacs invited me back as an alumni.  As a result, rumor has it that I am the only alumni to be banned from campus post-graduation.  How can they try and hold my ass to the fire when they are the ones that gave me carte blanche as to my material (type and delivery)?

I’m not hyperbolizing shit here.  For legal CYA measures, I have a copy of the entire spectacle safely locked away (and several other copies, among other “evidence”), as a legal bludgeon if they ever decide to do more than rattle their sabers.  If you can get an auditorium of bored-or-drunk undergrads rolling in the aisles— while linguistically lambasting the self-respect out of someone who has it coming to ’em (as well as the hecklers), and get the college that pissed off…  You know that somewhere– Dennis Leary shed a tear of joy.

Anyway—  back to the two things.  Two:  Check out this hilarious link of digital douchebaggery, then do the math as to the kinds of atrocities that have rolled through my brain.

Don't try to retaliate, I'll only respond with laughter.

If you have me added to any social media outlets, and/or are someone who likes to put up trite copy-fodder... you may wish to have your coffee before logging on in the morning... or else.

Fret not, bleeding heart, it’s not that I have a problem with you.  It’s not that I necessarily have an issue with your cause.  It’s not even that I disagree with whatever is being said.  I have an issue with copypasta, and since I’m 100% of Italian descent– I get plenty of pasta, thank you very much.  Seriously, I’m not going to try to dredge up some bullshit statistic about it–  but it’s the lazy way of showing support for a cause.  Yes, that whole fifteen seconds (and that’s with a shitty speed on the interwebs, and a case of Parkinson’s) you spent to copy and paste someone else’s freaking “awareness” or “inspirational” is really going to make as much of a difference as pissing on white phosphorous.

You know what all of this bullshit is, don’t you?  It’s the plenary indulgence for the charity guilt trip.  Seriously, of all these people (who caused the invention of the “mute” setting on Facebook), how many do you think actually give to a charity– or volunteer somewhere?  I kinda wish I had a bullshit statistic to pull right now.  Lucky for them, I don’t, but I have thousands of socially/politically/ethically questionable jokes at my disposal instead.

Now… to lie in wait.




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