… as long as I don’t have to aim.

Posted: August 27, 2011 in Self-Deprecation
Tags: , , , , , ,

So last night, ended up hanging out with my cousin and a friend of ours.  Of course, with this particular crew, we end up talking music and video games…  which inevitably ended up at my cousin’s in front of his epic gamer setup.  I still had my 360 in the car (really can’t play it, explanation coming), so I made sure that I’d brought my copy of Duke Nukem Forever.  These guys have both played prior Duke games, but they lack the… enthusiasm that I have for it (but that’s a different story entirely).

Hail to the King, Baby!

"I've got balls of steel!" - Duke Nukem

This brings me to a major issue, the very heart of the reason that the 360 has stayed in my back seat.  I can run around, I can shoot, I can even switch weapons.  However, Jill’s dexterity is complete shit– and the cast further inhibits any prayer of analog-stick control.  I know, really kills my buzz even thinking about how Jill’s other stick control will have degraded too.  Anyway, after a quick run, they tossed in a fighting game.  Having learned from prior mistakes, I sat these rounds out.

Rounds, however, might be a bit generous of a description– because my cousin is some kind of sick genius at gaming.  If I’m playing a game somewhat regularly, yeah, I will wreck face with extreme prejudice.  This means I will do bad things to the AI, murder n00bs, and actually hold my own against most players.  Then you have my cousin, who appears to be just a walking amalgamation of all that is digital-interface rape.  So to say our friend went “rounds” with him is a bit of a misnomer.  My cousin toyed with him, and because he was screwing around, got beat a few times.  I’m glad I sat that one out, especially with the way my wrist was aching after getting my murder on.

Finally, we went and threw in a game we all know and love:  Star Wars Battlefront II.  Back in the day, my college buddies and I used to play hours on this game (and its predecessor).  Needless to say, they went co-op mode, and I advised them that I’d be the free-kill.  Of course, they’re freaking good at this game, so they didn’t care about another handicapped stormtrooper on their side.  I wasn’t entirely useless, thanks to my many hours of game play in the past.  We were all getting tired, so our last board was destined to be Mos Eisley.  It was time for every BF2 player’s guilty pleasure–  the hero assault.  My gaming skills just got relevant again.  I have a WMD in my back pocket.

Pay no attention to the tin can.

A force-dash powered murder missile.

I don’t have to worry about aiming Darth Maul anywhere– it’s more like steering.  He’s a ridiculously fast, linear weapon, with a wide radius of damage potential.  Essentially– point Darth Maul at something, book ass right into its face, and kill it to shit with a crimson storm of bitchslap.   Steering, oh yeah, I got this.  We three go co-op, again, mainly because you can’t make it a fair fight any other way.  That and we were also engaging in another guilty pleasure: the occasional comp-stomp, with the AI cranked to 11.  For those of you unaware of how much fun this is, I truly pity you.  I didn’t think I was doing as well as I was.  However, I guess I wasn’t spending all my time running around in circles looking for days to ruin.

I outscored my cousin.  I guess while I was running around in circles, I was also picking up kills like the Grim Reaper on coke.

Unplug.

 

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Comments
  1. […]  Considering that I am still dealing with rehab, this means one thing, and that’s gaming (now that I can freaking aim).  I don’t play CoD (because I am not a regular gamer), and Duke Nukem would easily tear […]

  2. […] all bullshit aside, I’m laughing the hardest out of anyone reading this little revelation.  Duke, at this point, would probably say, “I have balls of fail…” Ok, ok, enough with […]

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