10 & 2? Try 12 & Eff You!!

Posted: August 11, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I’ve been driving since I was 16, and road raging for just about as long.  This is nothing surprising.  Before I start sounding like some octogenarian curmudgeon, it’s not like it was that long ago.  Like every other good little citizen who didn’t grow up boosting cars, I learned how to hold a steering wheel– at the famous “10 and 2.”  Everyone repeated the same tired-ass mantra of keeping both hands on the wheel.  In retrospect, adopting that driving model has saved my happy ass on naught fewer than five occasions.  There were probably way more, but I digress.  Like every normal person should, I also learned how to drive one-handed.  Like many people, I also realized that most drivers have no damn business behind a wheel.

In spite of the anti-cellular phone propaganda (as championed by a know-it-all by the name of Oprah), cell phones don’t kill people.  In spite of the obvious warning that drunk people shouldn’t drive, they aren’t even the biggest threat on the roads.  The average grab bag of genetic party favors (see also: a member of the general public) behind the wheel, on an average day, is about as predictable as an IED on a soccer field.  The biggest threat to the road are drivers who clearly got their licences by overly permissive test administrators, who apparently believe driving is a right, and not a licensed privilege.   Many of the barely-sentient drivers out there can barely breathe and shit at the same time (let alone signal), so no freaking wonder studies reveal that cell phones are a “danger.”  Yay for being held to a lower status quo.

Ok, enough ranting, you’re still waiting for the more standard self-deprecating disability humor.  Well hold your damn horses, I’m getting there.

Before I got in a fight with a refrigerator, I had mastered several advanced driving tactics.  I could devour a Big Mac without spilling.  I could tie my necktie.  I could put a knee on the wheel and play air guitar.  I could even dry shave with my trusty Mach 3.  Sometimes I’d even be lucky enough to have my stick shift played with– and nobody above my window-line would have a clue.  Driving has always been effortless for me, and Hell, winter driving is my freaking playground.  It’s just too damn bad there are no local stunt driving schools.  I could totally get behind that.  Hmmmmmm, note to self…

Anyway!  Now, I’ve got my cast resting on the center console, with but my dear Rosie to handle the road.  Parallel parking is an interesting feat, as efficiently shifting from drive to reverse must be handled lefty– as well as anything else.  I figured that being such a gimp on the road would be more difficult than it actually is.  I’m surprised at how many people are downright shocked that I’m still driving.  Really?

Frankly, I’m still waiting for a cop to pull me over.  It’s not hard to see the cast with the way I have it propped up on the center console.  Apparently it’s highly illegal around here to drive in this manner.  I’m not sure why, seeing how the ADA makes provisions for someone who is missing the entire arm.  Either way, these law enforcement members really get off on traffic stops around here– and I’m waiting for one of the bored supertroopers to pull me over.  Hopefully if/when that occasion rolls around, I won’t be abusing my lead foot and V6.  That day, I will finally have a use for the ACLU…  I’ll teach them to oppress a guy with a disability, temporary or not.

In the meantime, I continue to let Rosie handle the wheel– because Jill’s hanging out the sunroof telling the rest of the drivers what I think of them.

Need a translator?

Jill doesn't need a translator. Your driving sucks, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

Oh, I wish I could see the reaction of someone realizing that they got a casted bird from a gimp driving with a knee while downing a Monster.  Talking about adding sarcasm to insult.  Boom.

Unplug.

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Comments
  1. […] I would mock my own crippled ass, and marvel at how difficult some tasks could be with only one usable hand.  All in all, more of you read that shit than my rants and running […]

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