Ahhhhhh! Leprosy!!

Posted: July 30, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Oh the adventures of being a right-handed lefty have come with many a tribulation.  I realized that due to the nature of the cast, I’d have some serious atrophy of the right arm, and some gnarly funk within the shell.  I’ve gone out of my way to minimize the itch and subsequent stank by being as lazy as possible, hiding in air-conditioned glory for the heat wave.  Oh the sacrifice I’ve had to make in the name of my infirmity.  My convenient application of sloth as a hygienic aid was working smashingly until I took a look at Jill.  In retrospect, I should have seen this coming awhile ago.

The fingernails on my right hand haven’t grown damn near at all since surgery.  I should have known from that point that something was amiss.  But no, I figured that poor Jill was just stunned from the surgeon’s scalpel.   I started noticing the cuticles around the inactive nails were starting to look odd, like I needed a manicure or something of that ilk.  I have better things to do than that… like come up with semi-clever masturbation allusions.  All the while, I didn’t see what was really going on under my nose.  Jill… was changing.

Oh. Shit.

If this isn't a reason for a grown man to cry in terror and despair, I don't know what is.

At first, I thought it was just a little dry skin.  No biggie, right?  Then I realized it was much, much more terrifying.  I could scratch at the patches, and it would reveal more.  It didn’t end.  The well-earned callouses were about as hard as the cast around my arm, and almost all of the exposed skin on the fingers/hand was seemingly flaking off.

No wait, it gets worse.  Yeah, worse.  I ran a test area under water, and started to scrape.  Skin started sloughing off like I was a goddam leper.  What started as curiosity quickly became a maddening compulsion, tearing layers and layers of flesh from Jill.  The Hell was going on, and why has my night quickly degraded to a shitty transformation sequence from a B horror flick?!  Almost an hour went by of frantic rinse-scrape-repeat went on until I felt like I’d torn the last horrible layer from me.

However, I still have no idea what has happened to poor Jill– or if I should ever let her near my moneymaker again.  More importantly, I have no idea if this will be a recurring issue.  Could it be the dreaded leprosy that I’ve heard about in the annals of history and various religious texts?  Or is it something far more sinister?

Zombie Hand!

That's right. We're all screwed and you know it.

I sure hope that freaking antiseptic crap works.  You’d better hope so too, because Rosie isn’t relishing having to take a chainsaw to Jill– lemme tell you.


  1. […] only a few days ago, I had noticed what I had mistaken for leprosy on Jill.  With effort, I had believed that I had overcome the disgusting mystery affliction that […]

  2. […] zombie– and when they open the cast on September 1, I’m going to get attacked by my first love.  We all know where that’s going, you’re all doomed, et cetera, ad nauseum.  Crazy, […]

  3. […] doubly thankful that she didn’t leap up and try to choke the ever loving shit out of me in pseudo-zombie rage.  I don’t think she could have, honestly, because in addition to the wrist– my elbow […]

  4. […]  I’m psychotically enthusiastic about the inevitability of a zombie apocalypse, and now that Zombie Jill is no longer a possibility– I’ve gotta get me back to being my friends’ go-to guy […]

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